Thursday, August 22, 2013


On Tuesday I wrote about race and adoption and how it is forcing me to rethink everything.  The other question that kept surfacing in my mind as I watched The Butler is, "What would I have done?"  I wondered what role I would have played in the civil rights story - because we are all always playing some kind of role, and I was sorry to admit to myself that I probably would have been a bystander for the most part.  I don't know that I would have been moved into action, because the reality would probably not have had a lot to do with my own little world.

That is a disgusting thing to admit to myself about myself - especially in light of the gross atrocities that were taking place around our country at the time.  It is amazing to me how far I am willing to go to preserve my own comfort and sense of well-being, often propped up by feigned (or real) ignorance to the plight of those around me.  If it doesn't affect me, then I shouldn't have to care about it.


The next list of questions I have for myself are, "What else am I missing?  What gross atrocities are taking place around me that I am doing nothing about?  Where are people being hurt?  Where are destructive cycles repeating themselves?"  One problem with this list of questions is that the list of answers is so very long.  There is sex-trafficking going on in my home town (and yours) and all around the world.  There are children being abused by parents who were abused.  There are wars in Africa that have raged on for years with no end in sight.  People starve to death.  Orphans live and die on the street.  It feels so overwhelming.

It is so much easier to think about things that are fun and pretty and ultimately do not matter at all.  What cute coordinated clothes should my kids wear tomorrow?  What theme should Bella's birthday party have?  What else should I get to finish out the nursery?  These thoughts swarm my brain with such ferocity that you would think they are critically important to life.

They aren't.  And the sooner that I can get that through my brain, and more importantly, my heart, the better.  Thankfully, that is work that really only the Holy Spirit can do, and it is my job to submit to his authority there.  I am constantly struggling with how to use my time and energy, and the list of things that I want to do is inevitably long.  I think one of the hardest things in my life will be turning all of my "priorities" over to the Lord so that I can see them through his eyes and not my own.

What I am continuing to learn is that God has not blessed me with the life that I have so that I can hoard it, protect it and treasure it forever.  Anything that I have right now is his.  Let me type that again - Anything and Everything that I have is all his and should be left at his constant command and disposal. I read this amazing blog post about a week ago and was reminded all over again that I can use the gifts that I have to help the world.

But, I have to do something.  I have to not just talk about it.  This past year has been great, because I feel like I really have seen the way that God works when you move towards people and issues that break his heart.  He shows up.  He does miraculous things.  He moves insurmountable mountains, and unless I was putting myself out there, I would not have gotten to see any of it.  I would have missed it all. I could have missed even William and Violet - God forbid.

So, this is my prayer - Lord - please show me what I am missing and where to find it.  Show me your heart and direct my time and energy for your purposes.  You know how easily distracted I am.  Please show me how to love like you do.