ILLUSIONS OF CONTROL

This past Saturday we had a glorious lake day with friends.  The moment I'm about to write about was a blip - in fact, John and I didn't really process it fully until we got home and reflected on the day.

We were sitting on the boat, waiting for the tube to be fully inflated, and several of the children were sitting on the deck off the back of the boat.  Before I knew what was happening, John was pulling Bella up and telling me to check her.  He sounded concerned, and I could tell he was working to keep his voice under control to not alarm everyone on the boat while also communicating to me that something was really wrong.

As I grabbed for Bella, her body was completely limp.  Her eyes were glazed over, and she couldn't seem to hear us.  She couldn't or wouldn't move at all.  She didn't seem to understand what we were saying, and she wasn't speaking.

It was a little terrifying, and I am not at all one to jump to the worst case scenario.

We poured water over her head to cool her off and tried to get her to drink.

Within a minute or so, she was responsive, and within two minutes or so, she was talking again.  Within five minutes, she seemed totally fine and normal.

We hadn't realized that she had been leaned over and breathing in a steady stream of boat exhaust.  It happened SO fast.  Between the heat, and the exhaust, she was likely in the very beginning stages of carbon monoxide poisoning.  (I fell into the internet research hole later that night at home to confirm this suspicion.)  Thankfully, John noticed that something wasn't right and responded.  Thankfully, we were able to intervene and take care of her immediately.  Thankfully, she bounced back incredibly quickly, and because it was all over in minutes, the horror of those few moments was overshadowed by the hours of fun we had the rest of the day.

The past month has brought us two very public tragedies that have caused internet outrage on all sides (Child falling into the Gorilla exhibit at the zoo and Child being drowned by an alligator at Disney).  I don't feel that I have a lot to add to the massive amounts of words written about these things other than to say that I fall in the camp that wants the blaming to stop.  Of course, we parents have an enormous amount of responsibility to try to protect our children in all the ways that we can.  However, we cannot always protect our children.  There is so much outside of our control, though we certainly want to pretend otherwise on a regular basis.

Either of the children in the above mentioned stories could have been mine, which is a thought that brings me to empathy, instead of blaming.  John and I are far from perfect parents, but we do love our children so very much.  The idea that we cannot keep them from all harm is really unpalatable to me.  I love the idea of control.  In so many ways I want to shelter them, but ultimately, they will grow and develop and little by little, I will have to let go.  And all along the way, there will be possibilities for bad things to happen to them.  It's a horrible thought, and one that I do not want to torture myself with, but it is a reality about living on this earth.

And for me, it points me back to the Lord.  Ultimately, he is writing their stories and mine.  He has their good in mind.  He loves my children more than I do, and he asks me to trust him.  There is always something lurking around any corner to injure my child, and God is the one that determines the spans of each of our lives.  I remember when my father was diagnosed with cancer, he would regularly remind me that "This does not catch God by surprise.  He has numbered my days from the beginning."

I always have to choose - do I want the illusion of control or do I want to trust God?  In my mother heart, I want to pick for us all to live long, healthy and happy lives.  But - I trust God more.  I don't say that lightly, because I have lost someone I loved so much.  I know that things could turn out any number of ways that may be undesirable to me, but I trust that God knows what is best.  He's working for my good, the good of my children and his glory - all things that I desire more than what I think should happen.

Saturday morning was a good reminder that things happen in an instant, and that ultimately God is in control - not us.  In this case, I am rejoicing that God allowed us to see Bella quickly and that she is absolutely fine.  I don't take that for granted, and I am incredibly grateful for her precious life.

TIDBITS

As summer slips by, I want to record the little moments it contains.  Last week we killed a little time after swim lessons with a trip to the local garden center.  I let Bella pick out the clothes, so we were a bit overdressed for running around, but they were all happy about it.






I've got some comedians running around my house with sharpies.  So tricky.

We've had some family fro-yo dates.



We saw Finding Dory, and everyone stayed for the whole movie!  And it was so cute - though I did cry big tears at the end.

I got front row seats to this charming puppet show.



Violet has come into her own and loves to show off her coloring, bubble blowing abilities and showing up at my bedside almost every morning.

I ran across this turtle while walking in our neighborhood one night - I've been trying to get my steps in every day.  He seems less concerned about this pursuit.



We went on a progressive double date with friends to celebrate a birthday - a fantastic way to spend an evening.






The girls earned some Oreos for helping Daddy to stuff paychecks.



Today a sweet friend from college who used to lived in Little Rock stopped by for a delightful chat - so great to see you, Megan!



The summertime has a lot of intensity, but a lot of goodness too.  It slips by so quickly!

LAKE DAY WITH FRIENDS

Some of our dear friends spend most of their summer weekends at the lake, and they graciously invited us to join them this past Saturday.  Our kids were ecstatic about going on the lake with friends, and we ended up having a great day on the water.



We picked up their boat from storage and headed for the water.

It was a HOT day, so swimming and tubing and letting the wind blow through our hair as the boat sped through the water were all welcome activities.


(they look like they could be sisters! 😍)

(despite what her face indicates, Violet LOVED tubing!)

We came across this rope swim in a cove that provided a great deal of entertainment.

The Heads are both awesome at water sports, and it was really fun to see them in their element!

The day really was a gift - great friends, great weather and great activities.

It was enough to wear us all out.

We rounded out our day with dinner at a Mexican restaurant and plenty of chips and cheese dip.  Though we did have a few melt downs from our children throughout the day, it is really amazing to start to get to the place where we enjoy more of the day than not.  We are making progress as a family!  Yay!



Thanks, Head family - we had a fantastic time!

TWINS' SWIM LESSONS

The girls have taken swim lessons the last two summers (2014, 2015), but this year it was time for the twinsies to become little water warriors - or at least to be able to not drown.  I was not at all certain that they would cooperate, and you better believe that I would have had no recourse should they have chosen not to get in the water.

However, they did awesome!  I would say that at this exact moment, Violet is a better swimmer than Lily who has stated that she prefers the "surface water." 😂😂😂

They started the week with seemingly open hearts and minds to the process, and they were jumping in the very first day, much to my surprise and delight!  (You can see video on Instagram on the side bar in the blog if you want - William laughs continually while jumping in.)




The girls were sad that they could not swim everyday, though on the days when we were heading to the pool afterwards, our teachers graciously allowed them to be in the pool.  Otherwise, they were hovering very near the edge and trying to interfere help at every turn.  They did cheer on the twins very enthusiastically, which I appreciated.



Each day both William and Violet got more comfortable and spent time blowing bubbles, going under, kicking and jumping.

(You know I LOVE kids in goggles. 😍)

We had a great week, and I am thrilled with their progress.  Thanks, Torey and Conley for being awesome - my kids all love you!

WORKING IN A WOOD SHOP & TRYING NOT TO WISH AWAY HARD MOMENTS

It was the summer of 1999, and I was a newly minted high school graduate.  I had worked a month long stint at a summer camp but still had a couple of months to kill before the dawning of the shiny new college era.  Ever so graciously, one of my best friend's fathers agreed to hire me.  To work "construction."  In a wood shop.

Nothing in my prior life or experience had prepared me for this job, but I was grateful to have it.  So, I wore icky jeans or old khakis (ha!) and t-shirts from my elementary school swim team, if the photo below is to be believed, and the closest thing I had to work boots.


(side note.  This was clearly before the age of constant cameras in our pockets and making sure we got the picture just right and documenting every moment.  I have two photos from this summer experience, and they are both taken on this day, and this photo clearly could have used some cropping guidance. 😂)

Two of my besties were also working there - the boss's daughter and another of our friends.  One girl worked all summer and thus got the cushy indoor assignment, while the boss's daughter and myself worked for shorter stints and were sent outdoors, into the heat, into the shop.  This company built concrete culverts that aided in road construction (or something like that?  I would have to do a hardcore google search and some extensive research to really understand it 😁), and once a large wood frame had been used, it would be sent back to the shop to be dismantled by yours truly (and other much better qualified people).

This involved pulling 2 by 4s off of large sheets of plywood with crowbars.  It was hard and tiring work in the Kansas heat, and over the course of the summer, I managed to hit myself in the head with the crowbar at least once - seriously enough that they were concerned that I was concussed.  I wasn't.  I also jumped on a nail that went all the way into my foot.  As you might imagine, I was a star employee.

Most days, I rode with my boss and friends the 40 minutes to the shop.  On the way home, we would often stop for Sonic drinks and other treats.  I loved the drive home with the air-conditioning on full blast and great conversation and looking forward to another sweet summer evening, because my responsibilities were done for the day, and I was 18 and life was easy once I left the wood shop.

I vividly remember a mind game that I would play with myself on those long days.  During the monotony of the morning nail pulling, I would tell myself that in just a few hours, it would be lunch time, and the nail pulling would only be a memory - I would be through it and getting to enjoy lunch with friends.  As the afternoon waned on with intensifying heat and longing for a nap, I would do the same thing, and tell myself that soon, the nail pulling would be something to look back on and no longer endured for that day.  I would be drinking my Cherry Limeade Cream Slush and chomping on my Cheddar Bites (when will those come to the Arkansas Sonic menus?) before I knew it.

This mind trick did help me pass those long hours that summer, but I was essentially wishing away those moments.  I don't think that's all bad, because clearly, construction work is not my calling.  I did work hard and offer my best effort, but nothing about it helped me "light up inside" or had me "utilizing my gifts."

Fast forward 17 summers.  (Wait a minute - what?!?!  How did that happen?  Life really does go by quickly.)  I am a mother to four, and this summer, they are all home with me almost all of the time.  There are many great moments where we are having fun with each other or with friends.  We've been to the pool, to the zoo, to the lake, to the movies, and I am enjoying so much of the togetherness.

But, I've got to be honest here, there are still a lot of unenjoyable moments.  Having three year old twins means that it is basically a crap shoot whether one or both of them will feel like using their perfectly functional legs to walk inside a building.  No problem, kid!  It's only 40 billion degrees out here - I would LOVE to carry you in while we both drip sweat and you cling to your puppy/ kitty/blankie/sippy cup and then drop it causing us to both get closer to the simmering concrete and burn off what is left of our faces to pick up this necessity for our grocery trip.  Sounds awesome.

You need help getting your swimsuit on, again?  Is it really that hard?  I'd be glad to drop anything I might be doing and race across the house to assist now that you've finished taking my name in vain loudly for the last full five minutes to get my attention.  I know walking to me would be far too difficult.

You and your sister are having a disagreement?  Again?  Let me figure out exactly what has played out in the last five minutes - actually, the last five years, since we'd probably need to go back that far to see who should take the blame.  Actually, scratch that.  Just figure it out yourselves and please just be kind to each other for the love of all that is good.  PLEASE.  BE KIND.  NOW.

There are been moments in the past couple of weeks that I have wanted to fast forward to bedtime when that day's whining will be but a memory.  I've banked on when Daddy gets home to get a little reprieve.  I've wished some of it away.  There is this deep mother tension that I wrestle with.  In the fall, all my babies will be tucked into a school setting during the days, and I will look fondly back at our summer time and wish I got to see them all more often.  I will think of the fun things we could be doing together, while conveniently forgetting the screaming moments in the dentist office when the entire waiting room is focused on our family, and I am wanting to melt into the floor (that was today).  The truth is that sometimes I enjoy the idea of them more than the actuality of them.

I know I know I know that the days are long and the years are short.  I know that babies don't keep.  I know that these are the best days with little people and little problems.  And I do feel some of that, because we are moving towards a sweet spot with our family and getting a bit more breathing room than we've had the last couple of years.  I am forever grateful.  I love each of my children wholeheartedly and feel so privileged to get the time with them that I do.

So, in this summer of 2016, I'm asking God to give me eyes to see all of the good around me.  I'm praying for more of his patience and grace as I seek to disciple my children.  And I'm desperately trying to not wish it away, because I know that I will blink and 17 more summers will slip by before I even realize it.  Those long hours and days in the wood shop don't feel like that long ago.