Thursday, January 04, 2018


It's 2018, and to be honest, we are starting this year with some uncertainty.  I'm not yet sure where it will take us.  And truthfully, it doesn't feel all up to us.  We seem to have more questions than answers, and we are waiting on the Lord in the midst of that.  Neither John nor I is great at this.  We've spent a lot of the last many years spinning and running and planning and sprinting, and in some ways, hurting.  We finished 2017 by forming some healthier habits (mainly more sleep!), and those are helping us as we begin this year.  We also are continuing to realize just how depleted we are by all of life for the past many years.  It's like the cumulative effect of everything finally caught up to us.

Personally, I battle wanting to take control of everything and cram it into neat little boxes and march forward with a plan in place.  I like knowing and deciding.  Instead, I am struggling to sit in some of the pain and the darkness and be still.  And remember that God is here with us.  And that he is working all things for our GOOD and his GLORY, even when I can't understand it all.  Probably especially when I can't understand it all.

The other thing we are leaning into is *HELP*.  I mentioned this last fall, but it bears mentioning again and underlining and starring and writing in capital letters.  John is working with a wonderful executive coach who also happens to be a licensed therapist.  I am seeing a counselor myself.  Just last week, I felt like we were hitting a lot of walls parenting - especially with the twins, and I emailed someone who called me the next day.

It is invaluable to get another perspective on things and to talk through our specific issues and get help.  Parenting is hard on a ton of levels, and when the extra layer of adoption is thrown in, I feel like uncertainty and doubt can creep in.  At least it does for me.  I was able to talk through some specific issues that we are dealing with and get practical help.  I was also reminded of other resources we have, and I was given hope and encouragement.

And let me tell you, even with all of this help, I am still struggling.  There are no magic bullets, and none of the things that we need to work on in any area of our life happen quickly or without enormous effort.  We are slowly understanding just how slow and uphill and counterintuitive some of our work will be.  It is a different kind of exhausting and requires space, time and patience.

I share all of this for two main reasons.

1.  I like to chronicle our journey and be able to look back and see the work that God has done and is doing.  He is so very faithful to us, even and especially when, things seem hard.

2.  I want to encourage those around us, because I know we are not the only ones struggling in life.  In fact, everyone struggles at some time or another.  It's one of those things that bind us all together.  Just know that if you are feeling hopeless and helpless as we careen into 2018, you are not alone.  First of all, God is with you and promises to walk near to those who are brokenhearted.

Psalm 34:18-20
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.

Also know that there is help to be had.  Ask your friends, ask your church, google it.  Find a counselor or a coach or a therapist trained in adoption specific stuff if that's what you need - we apparently need all three!  🤣👊🏻😜 There are resources and people and getting help is not showing weakness, because, and I can speak from experience on this, it is harder to go deeper into the mess in order to get to the other side.  But - there is no way around the mess.  You have to go through it, which is what I have to continually preach to myself.

So, get the help.  Find the hope.  I'm learning and praying to give grace and space for this journey.  And trying not to be a drama queen.  It also bears mentioning that we are not in big C Crisis.  I know I kept many parts of this vague, because so much is deeply personal and not all mine, but in many ways, we are okay and so thankful.  John and I like and love each other, our children are thriving in many ways, and we have the most fantastic community around us.  Even in all of that, we are worn down from what dwells underneath the surface and affects everything.  I keep describing it as little c crisis.  But, we can also see that if we don't deal now while we feel the little c crisis, then the next natural step is to fall into big C Crisis of our own creation, and we are begging God to save us from that and from ourselves.

One little, eensy, tiny baby step at a time with a LOT of hand holding along the way.

(also, there is still a lot of holiday confusion in my home.  I'm giving myself space and extra time to get all of Christmas put away, but it definitely needs to happen.  The balloons came down yesterday. Also, I got a much needed hair-cut, color, eyebrow help, because Happy New Year to me!)