Also a few weeks back, John and I had a mini meeting of the minds at a Starbucks mid-morning. (I do love alliteration.) We were close enough to our neighborhood and church that we kept running into people that we knew, many of whom made comments like, "Y'all are so cute doing a 'Day Date'!" or "Way to be building into your marriage." This felt borderline hilarious since we were having a conversation all about the things that were not working in our life, and the list was long. It still is. We certainly didn't feel "cute."
The realities of the stress in our life are real, and our personalities are such that some of those stresses are exaggerated. There have also been circumstances recently that have felt outside of our control, and we have been left reeling. As we looked at the big picture of our current reality, we realized that we needed to make some changes, and we needed more help.
I've written several times about counseling that we're both continuing with, but this time I'm talking about more practical, hands-on help. With all the kiddos now in regular school, there has been an uptick in what is required at home, especially between the hours of 3 and 8. The twins have a little homework, and they need extra help and usually at the same time. The girls generally do their homework with little prompting or help, but they still need occasional input or guidance. There are practices and appointments and gymnastics that we are also packing into this time-frame, plus dinner, de-tox from the day and getting lunches packed and ready for the next school day.
The first few weeks of school left me frazzled and frustrated. I had the day to recover, but the times when we were all together felt fraught and really intense. It wasn't working, and I had the light-bulb moment that it didn't have to be that way.
So, I reached out for help. I contacted one of our regular sitters who also used to be William and Violet's preschool teacher. I started booking her for a couple of afternoons/evenings a week even when I would also be here. She comes in and helps with the homework, and since she is a full-time special-ed teacher, she is VERY good at this. So much better than I am.
(See? She's actually smiling during homework.)
It was a little awkward at first, because I'm not used to having someone else here, and it does mean that she sees a lot more of our lives, which feels vulnerable. But, it is a game changer. When John comes home from what is often a stressful day at work, we are much calmer at home with another adult. She usually stays through dinner and bed-time, and again, it is amazing what having another set of adult hands does. She's was here 3 afternoons last week, and with how crazy last week was, it was a massive help. As a bonus, all of my kids love her.
Does it feel weird to be a full-time stay-at-home mom who still needs more help with my kids? Yes.
Is it still exactly the right thing for our family right now? Yes.
When I look at all of our unique stresses and circumstances, I can conclude that this is what we need right now. It helps take our family from merely surviving and moves us more towards thriving.
So - here's my encouragement to anyone reading this - What things in your life aren't working? And what things could you do to make changes in those areas? I've had to start thinking differently about our family life and address our particular situations instead of being stuck in what worked in my family growing up or what might work for my friends. We all have such unique situations, resources, limitations and circumstances, and maybe you need to think outside of the box to make a change that is best for everyone. Quit flicking the switch that no longer works and have someone come fix the whole light. (if that's what you need!)