WALKING A TIGHTROPE

I'm not sure what it says about me or my life that I've wound up using the metaphor of falling into a ditch repeatedly in the last several years.  (Here's another post on similar lines)  Maybe it seems that to get things "right," I have to walk a virtual tightrope.  Too much of one thing, and I fall off one side.  But, it is just a simple to fall off the other side.  I know balance is a myth, but if life is a tightrope, then I still have to figure out some way to walk without falling off.

Recently, John and I have been using this expression when it comes to our marriage.  Over the past several months, it has dawned on us that we are slightly enmeshed emotionally.  There is a lot about this that has served us well, because we have stayed connected, even as we haven't shared large parts of our days together.  However, as the complexities of our life continue to grow and deepen, we cannot fully share in one another's every day burdens.  I've felt the intense burden of small business ownership, and he has felt the full weight of every day parenting and house management.



We've both gone all in on everything, and it has left us with nothing to spare.  It's too heavy.  This year we have made a lot of headway in healthy habits and have both slept more and moved consistently, but we still found ourselves a bit drowned.  I know I sound dramatic, but there is a gasping for air quality this year has contained.

As we've examined it by taking some intentional time and space, it's becoming clear that we cannot expect to share all of the things and not be weighed down continually.  We have to do a little more dividing and conquering.  But - and you may be able to see where I am headed with this - how to divide and conquer without becoming divided?  There seems to be a ditch on either side of this narrow road.  Either we're emotionally enmeshed or emotionally estranged.  Such great options.



One of the exciting/frustrating things about life is how it constantly morphs and evolves.  Nothing stays the same, and we have to adjust accordingly.  What parenting requires now is totally different than it was 3 years ago.  Our business experiences changes that mean we must regularly reevaluate how we handle something.  And our marriage, the relationship that underpins all the rest, has to also maneuver the shifting landscape.

We have not got this figured out or mastered, and I feel certain that even once we've experienced major growth, it will all change again.  But, we are strengthening the muscles we use to work together without sinking one another.  It feels fraught, and there have been some tears as we are working through some of the nuances.  Change is straight up hard, even when it is for the best and when it brings relief.



So, there's a little sneak peek into our hearts and minds and struggles.  Isn't it nice to be reminded that none of us ever struggle alone?  I hope and pray that you can also find a sliver of balance on the tightrope you are walking.  Falling off sucks, but like the acrobats you and I obviously are, we can climb that crazy high ladder and get back on the rope.

LAUGHING WITH THE DREAM TEAM

Last October, I connected with a group of adoptive moms mostly from my church who attended the WITH Retreat.  We bonded through shared laughter and shared understanding of the complexities in each of our families.  I've said it a million times - adoption is beautiful and complex, and no one understands this as well as people who are in it with you.



We've been meeting together almost monthly to share our stories and celebrate God's faithfulness, and one of our Enneagram One members graciously agreed to spearhead planning a retreat for us.  Lo and behold, a cabin was offered by a wonderful hostess, and because we are a group of moms, we easily filled in the rest of food and fun.  We shed our collective 45 kiddos and holed up for two delightful days.

I rode with a few friends, and we started a little early with a late lunch.



And then, we headed to the lake to meet up with the rest of our crew!

The whole experience was dreamy.  There was coffee on the porch overlooking the lake.

There was enough food to last for days.  People who wanted to read in the shade did exactly that.  People who wanted to sleep until 9:30 both days did exactly that. 🙋🏻‍♀️  Many of us spent hours floating in the lake on Saturday, and since we are still experiencing intense heat, this was very refreshing.



We had a group pilates session and a spa night!

But mostly, we had laughter - so much of it that my abs are a bit sore.  Though that might also be the pilates talking.  These women are treasures - each and every one.  We played games and talked and laughed and my heart healed little by little.  It's been a hard week/month/year, and I was a bit bruised and fragile going into the weekend.  But God used these people to lift me up the whole time.  We were honest about the hard, but this weekend, that is not where we camped out, and I think we all needed that.  There is plenty of hard that we got to leave at home.




If you don't have people, find some.  Especially the kind that agree to match hair with you and take crinkly eyed selfies in the sun.  Do the work - because don't let the ease of this blogpost fool you - this takes works.  Be intentional.  Be vulnerable.  It pays dividends in support, treasured friendships and bellyaches from laughing.  Having a tribe of people that points me to Jesus through their own lives and reminds me that we can all do hard things is invaluable.  So thankful for this crew and this time!

LIVING ROOM MAKEOVER

I realized that I don't have before pictures, though you could scroll through old posts from this blog to see the room in its various states.  I didn't set out to make it over - most of it happened over a couple of years.  Yet, this week, it felt "finished."



The couches are what put it over that edge, and once I had the couches, I went ahead and got new (to me!) coffee and side tables.  Speaking of couches ... 😍😍😍.  Our old couches, which have been relocated to the playroom, were over 12 years old and have lived a hard life #understatement.  Did I have visions of white sofas dancing in my head?  I absolutely did.  However, the mere idea of any light upholstery in our living room just about gave John hives.  And since I know myself, and I am not exactly a "wash-my-white-slip-covered-couch-weekly-or-possibly-ever" kind of gal, I knew I needed to PIVOT 😜 on the couch concept for us.



All of this led us to leather.  I asked around, shopped around and fell into an internet research hole.  When all was said and done, we ordered these couches from Article (we got the couch and the loveseat).  We're in love.



They are comfortable, beautiful, wipeable(ish) and made to age and distress, which is perfect, since we naturally distress everything we touch.  A part of my heart is sad that I don't have white couches, but these are so much more livable for us that I am ultimately delighted.

When we moved into our home, the fireplace had a black granite tile surround, and we had it redone with stone probably four years ago.  About two years ago, we had the shiplap done above the mantel, and I guess it was around then that I decided to restyle the shelves.  Now they feel like "me," and I like the items included and the way it looks.

I had one set of rainbow books that I had purchased through Etsy and loved, and this past weekend, I stopped by a vintage sale and the books were all $1 each.  Give me all the rainbow books!  They even go perfectly under my side table that I also scored at that sale.

Here's the original set in all its glory.  I really don't do anything halfway.

It does now feel like a room that I love being in and looking around.  It functions well and is comfortable for our family, and I'm so very grateful.  I do have some light upholstered chairs from Wayfair in the room that I love, but this is part of why we chose not to get light couches.  One child took our address stamper and made sure that if the chair ever got lost, people would be able to mail it back to us.  I haven't yet had the gumption to replace it, because I am not quite certain that we are out of the woods with this type of shenanigan.  From a distance, its not too noticeable. 🤣🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️



The rug is also from Wayfair a couple of years ago (not available to link☹️), and we've been SO pleased with how well it hides everything.  I love how it ties so much of the room together.  We went with a larger rug (10 by 14) than we had previously had in here, and I was amazed at what a difference that made as well.  Also, I finally learned how to use the Panoramic feature on my iPhone, so that feels like a win. 😂



Because this room is open to our kitchen and foyer/dining room, there is not a lot of wall space.  Sometime last year, I redid this wall and still really like it.

So that's that.  Our living room that has been slowly undergoing changes for the past four years that now feels like it has "arrived."  Let me know if you have any questions - I tried to link the big stuff that I know is still available.  Most other stuff is vintage/super random, which works for us!  I'm looking forward to adding fall touches soon, and doing this made me want to revamp the dining room. 😬🤣🙄  Once you get on a roll ...

FEAR & HOPE

I took all the kids to Hobby Lobby, which held some dicey moments.  It also held this stream of questions from William at the cash register:

"Can God give me a bunch of brothers instead of a bunch of sisters?"
"Where does God live?  Can we get there by a road?"
"Is God still making things or did he finish?"

You know, light Saturday fodder that is easy to answer with an audience at the check out line.  🤣

I, like so many others I know, have been a little Enneagram obsessed over the last couple of years.  I went through a book early in 2018 and have been talking about it ever since.  I'm a type Seven.  In a nutshell that means I love to have fun and often seek to avoid pain.  It also means that one of my underlying struggles is fear.  At first, I didn't relate to this, because I'm not really "afraid" of much, nor do I often spend time worrying.

However, what seems to be true for my type is that we FORGET and BURY the fear.  We pretend it isn't there.  Unfortunately, this rings incredibly true, and as I've continued in counseling for the past year and half or so, it has bubbled to the surface repeatedly.  Underlying much of my life is a fear that the good things will not last.  That things will somehow implode, and I'll only be able to look backwards into happy memories with no more to be made.

I've lived through some worst case scenarios that my brain sometimes uses to underline the fear.  My dad got pancreatic cancer and died, even when we prayed and believed in faith for healing.  A dear family friend died suddenly this year.  And there are a lot of unknowns ahead of us that often taunt me.  How will things possibly go "right"?

Last week I actually said to my counselor,
"It doesn't matter what I want, because God is going to do what he is going to do."

And there is truth in that statement, but it misses the heart of who God is.  It also misses the mark of the Christ follower I want to be.  It assumes that I somehow know what is best for everyone, including myself.  It also narrows the focus onto me and my wants and what I think I need, instead of the larger picture of my life in context of God's glory.  God is for me, ultimately.  He is a good father who will not give his children rocks when they ask for bread.

I'm making concerted choices to look up and towards the Lord.  To silence the fear and cynicism that rise in my heart.  To trust the heart of God and know that he sees and knows more than I ever will, and that he is working a good plan for my good and his glory.  I don't know and understand everything (or even a lot of things) that God does.  His ways are higher than mine, so when I am filled with questions like William's, I have to remind myself of God's greatness and goodness.

I have to choose to trust.  Over and over again.  Not blindly, but with assurance, because I know who he is, and he loves me and I love him.  I'm one of those fortunate people who has known this fact for as long as I can remember.  I want to trust a God that is so powerful and consuming that I will never be able to understand him, and yet when I encounter the one true God who is exactly that, my humanness wants to boil down his essence and actions into something I can put my mind around.

My sweet counselor prayed hope over me, and I'm working to relinquish the cynicism that I've put on through life.  I don't like admitting it, but cynicism is easier.  It allows me to resign myself to whatever God is doing instead of hoping and knowing that whatever it is will somehow be made good and right.  The acceptance is similar, but the posture is dramatically different.  So - here's to a posture of hope and optimism and receiving good things from a good father.  And being able to point my kiddos to him whenever they ask in-depth questions in the check-out line.