Monday, September 30, 2019


I'm not sure what it says about me or my life that I've wound up using the metaphor of falling into a ditch repeatedly in the last several years.  (Here's another post on similar lines)  Maybe it seems that to get things "right," I have to walk a virtual tightrope.  Too much of one thing, and I fall off one side.  But, it is just a simple to fall off the other side.  I know balance is a myth, but if life is a tightrope, then I still have to figure out some way to walk without falling off.

Recently, John and I have been using this expression when it comes to our marriage.  Over the past several months, it has dawned on us that we are slightly enmeshed emotionally.  There is a lot about this that has served us well, because we have stayed connected, even as we haven't shared large parts of our days together.  However, as the complexities of our life continue to grow and deepen, we cannot fully share in one another's every day burdens.  I've felt the intense burden of small business ownership, and he has felt the full weight of every day parenting and house management.


We've both gone all in on everything, and it has left us with nothing to spare.  It's too heavy.  This year we have made a lot of headway in healthy habits and have both slept more and moved consistently, but we still found ourselves a bit drowned.  I know I sound dramatic, but there is a gasping for air quality this year has contained.

As we've examined it by taking some intentional time and space, it's becoming clear that we cannot expect to share all of the things and not be weighed down continually.  We have to do a little more dividing and conquering.  But - and you may be able to see where I am headed with this - how to divide and conquer without becoming divided?  There seems to be a ditch on either side of this narrow road.  Either we're emotionally enmeshed or emotionally estranged.  Such great options.


One of the exciting/frustrating things about life is how it constantly morphs and evolves.  Nothing stays the same, and we have to adjust accordingly.  What parenting requires now is totally different than it was 3 years ago.  Our business experiences changes that mean we must regularly reevaluate how we handle something.  And our marriage, the relationship that underpins all the rest, has to also maneuver the shifting landscape.

We have not got this figured out or mastered, and I feel certain that even once we've experienced major growth, it will all change again.  But, we are strengthening the muscles we use to work together without sinking one another.  It feels fraught, and there have been some tears as we are working through some of the nuances.  Change is straight up hard, even when it is for the best and when it brings relief.


So, there's a little sneak peek into our hearts and minds and struggles.  Isn't it nice to be reminded that none of us ever struggle alone?  I hope and pray that you can also find a sliver of balance on the tightrope you are walking.  Falling off sucks, but like the acrobats you and I obviously are, we can climb that crazy high ladder and get back on the rope.