QC: WHAT IT'S BEEN LIKE

I haven't blogged much, because surviving was the norm for a while.  I haven't felt like pretending things were okay.  I'm starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel, or at least, I feel like we are turning on lamps and figuring out how to make this new normal work for our family.



The quarantine time has been hard for our family.  (I wrote this post on grief 1.5 weeks in which is almost laughable now, because I thought it was just going to be a matter of some hard weeks. hahahaha)  I heard one person say that we are all in the same storm, but we are all in different boats, and that metaphor resonated with me.  Truthfully, we have a rather nice boat, and I'm so thankful.  And we haven't sunk yet, so there is that.  But, our crew poses some unique challenges, and at times, it has felt like we've had a mutiny on our hands.

I would guess many of us have gained clarity during this time on a great many things in our lives.  I've heard some people welcome the slow down and extra time granted as a family.  What we've realized is that we have worked hard over the past several years to structure our lives in a way that serves our family, and in most ways, that was working well for us.  We had the right amount of activity and most of the support we needed.  Until we didn't.

They say it takes a village to raise kids.  We need a metroplex.

When everything stopped suddenly, we were left pretty bare.  Some kids did fine with the distance learning model, though it was still taxing and not ideal.  Other kiddos struggled mightily to work outside of the classroom.  I, personally, was never meant to be both the parent and the teacher, especially when parenting well takes every bit of me and then some.  When I dropped my kids off for school on March 12th, I had no idea that would be the last time they would all be at the same school.

We've all lost so much, and it feels a little wrapped in trauma for me.  We cannot play the "Loss Olympics," because, collectively, no one's life is what we thought it would be at the beginning of the year.  We lost the end of Lily's elementary school career, and all the closing ceremonies that would have brought with it.  We have LOVED her school experience, and to have it suddenly ripped away was hard.  And we loved each of the teachers the other kids had, and it hurts to not finish the year together.  When I picked up their stuff from school, I drove away sobbing.

It's like there are now two tracks running in my head all of the time.  There is the 2020 we had planned with school and trips and "normal life."  And there is the 2020 we are all living in now full of uncertainty.  What will school look like in the fall?  What sort of travel will be possible when?  Will the numbers keep rising indefinitely?  The specter of the 2020 that never will be sometimes still haunts me.  I think of the things we would have been doing on certain dates, and we now have an all new line up.  With a lot more travel insurance should we need to cancel everything once again.  And we have masks for whenever we go out into public.

It's been a good reminder that our plans are not really ours.  Working to submit myself to the 2020 reality and trusting that it is God's ultimate best for us has been difficult.  It is forcing us to make changes that we wouldn't have made otherwise, and I can see that those will probably be better for our family.  But they are still largely unknown, and I know how good some of what we will give up is.  It's stretching us past breaking points.  We are broken.  And there are no easy fixes, and I don't know which roads to take at each juncture.  That said, we are moving forward, and I am thankful for that.



I feel like I am currently a Grief Scratch and Sniff.  Things can look like they are okay on the outside for a little bit, but if the surfaces gets scratched at all, grief comes out.  I'm still in counseling, and we are continuing to work to get the help we need.  I know that some healing will come with time, but there is also the recognition that this is an extremely hard season.  With no end date.  I know some people have had it much harder and some people much easier - again - this isn't the Loss Olympics, it's just our experience over here.  Speaking of Olympics, there is another thing lost in the vortex of the 2020 that will never be.

There's not a happy wrap up bow to put on all this.  It's the messy middle of it all, and I am praying the Lord will continue to grant us wisdom and grace as we walk this version of 2020.

BLACK LIVES MATTER

I've been radio silent on the internet for about a month and even longer on the blog.  To say that 2020 has walloped me upside the head and deep into my heart would be an understatement.  There have been hard diagnoses in our family.  There has been the pandemic and subsequent quarantine that took away our support system and routines and left us isolated and a bit undone.  I've been battling situational depression and trying to find a way through our days.  It's been a lot and then some.

But here we are in June, and the race conversation has reached a fever pitch and groundswell that cannot and SHOULD NOT be ignored.  George Floyd's death and Breonna Taylor's and Ahmaud Arbery's have brought Black Lives Matter back to the forefront of everyone's attention.  There are protests and round the clock news coverage that switched from the ongoing depressing cycle of Coronavirus to conversations centered on race and talking heads debating why black men and women are still getting killed at the hands of police.  Or at the hands of vigilantes who are then not prosecuted by our justice system.  I know I am recapping the obvious, and unless you are living in a hole (which sounds pretty great right now), none of this is new info.  

When we stepped into being a transracial family over 7 years ago, we quickly realized that we had a lot of educating we needed to do for ourselves.  We became more intentional to ask questions of the people of color in our life and to seek out more voices of people who come from different backgrounds.  We got to know the family we had adopted into, and we have learned so much from the twins' grandmother who attended Central High and knows members of the Little Rock Nine personally, because she closely followed their footsteps.  I've diversified my social media feeds, though this is something I am still actively working on.  We've read books and listened to podcasts and watched documentaries.

We acknowledged our white privilege years ago.  (Here are posts I wrote back in 2014 and 2016) I am not trying to make us sound more "woke" than we are.  We are still working to dismantle the racism and prejudices and biases that live within us.  It's hard work to humbly understand the role our whiteness has played in our success, and it is devastating to realize that we have two children who will not be protected under our privilege umbrella throughout their lives because their skin is beautifully darker than our's.  I do not feel guilty about being white, but I understand that whiteness in our country can and has been weaponized.  I'm saddened to say that I was not shocked by these deaths occurring in our country.  I am angrier than ever before, and I'm grieving, but I moved past shock years ago.

I realize that so far, I've made this post about our family's journey.  I wanted to show that learning about race and privilege is a journey.  A marathon.  A lifestyle.  It's not something to do only while it's trending.  It's more than posting a black box on social media to make sure everyone knows that you do care about black people dying.  And if you are tired of hearing about racism, imagine how tired people must be of experiencing it? (paraphrased off an instagram quote I saw)

What I have so appreciated through this round of national racial conversations is the way so many white people have begun to understand that we need to listen.  We need to reflect.  Is slavery our fault?  No, but it informs our current reality, so to discount those centuries of oppression is to ignore our real history and context that adds depth and breadth to the anger we're seeing and experiencing.  

So now what?  This is the question I hear friends asking, and it's a good one.  Now that we are awake to the systemic racism, now what?  We are having conversations with those in our circle about this issue, and as of this weekend, we have attended our first protest as a family.  I must say this was an experience that resonated with me on several levels.  I realized that I've not had many reasons to protest in my life, which means that mostly, systems work for me, an upper-middle class white lady.  There is also something very intentional about attending a protest - we took time to write out signs, which meant really trying to figure out what we wanted to say and taking the time to say it.  We explained to our kids what we were doing and why.  (We also loaded up a backpack full of snacks, treats and drinks, because it was over 90 degrees and at dinner time.)  It felt a little weird to pull up and unload, and because of the racial makeup of our family, it always feels like we draw a few more looks.  But, people smiled, and there was so much solidarity in the togetherness (while most of us were wearing masks, because what a delight that all of this is happening during a global pandemic).  

It was also a reminder of the nuance and listening that is still required.  Honestly, I didn't necessarily "agree" with all of the signs that I saw.  And as certain people were talking, I realized that I wasn't "comfortable" with everything being communicated.  However, it has pushed me to do more research - to learn what it might mean to rethink the role of police in our society and how funds could be shifted around to address the real needs of our communities and to listen to the people this is affecting negatively.  Again, the system has worked for me, but that does NOT mean that it is working.

We will continue to broaden our circle and have hard conversations that require humility and being uncomfortable.  We attend a predominantly Black church once a quarter to give ourselves and our bio kids the opportunity to experience being the minority every once in a while and to have a greater understanding of Black Christian culture in our city.  We work with an incredibly diverse population that feels keenly and strongly about everything going on.  John has spent a lot of time listening and dialoguing with members of our team, which has continued to open our eyes.  We are still learning so much.  It's super messy, but I am hopeful that real change is possible.  I can't speak to all that should look like, but I am hopeful that examining the systems and mechanics of what got us here will allow us to bring more accountability and change.  

I've seen lots of people scared to post anything for fear of getting it wrong.  I know that I will get it wrong, but I would rather say something than nothing.  I would rather share about things that matter to our family deeply than to ignore what is happening.  I realized that even though I feel a bit redundant, that is because of the social feeds that I have curated over the last seven years.  I can use my voice in my own circles.  

And lastly, to any brothers and sisters in Christ that may be reading this, please know that this issue needs more than prayer.  Racism is a sin/heart problem, yes, but the ways that it has spilled into our society require real cultural and policy change.  To simply say that you are praying it gets better is an incomplete response.

And because I am by NO MEANS an expert, I would love to point you to just a few books authored by Black people that are enlightening.  If you need more resources, just check the New York Times Bestseller list this week - most of them are centered on racial issues.

Under Our Skin by Benjamin Watson

Just Mercy by Bryan Stevenson

I'm Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness by Austin Channing

Be The Bridge by Latasha Morrison

Here are some of the Black people I follow on Instagram that I am continually learning from.

{ Latasha Morrison } { Austin Channing Brown } { Emmanuel Acho } { Osheta Moore }

{ Morgan Harper Nichols } { Danielle Coke } { Angela Tucker } { Jo Saxton }