It's summer and swimsuit season, and last year, I had just finished Whole 30 feeling great. This year, I just finished several short trips where I ate a lot and didn't love the number I saw on the scale when I got home. It's weird that I can't eat anything and everything I want and stay the same weight. 🤦🏻♀️😱😑
However, I'm realizing that the real weird thing here is how long this is taking me to figure out and how I have to relearn it every year or so. In looking into the Enneagram this year, I've learned a lot about the way I'm wired, and how gluttony is something I struggle with. This is true in all areas of life - experiences, parties, shopping and EATING. Limiting myself is not part of my natural make up in the ways that it is for some of the population. I have to do a lot of hard work to make myself make good choices, and even then, my heart is rarely in it.
I know that sounds whiny and absurd, but it is how my brain works. Figuring out how to work within this context means embracing that and recognizing that I will ALWAYS be fighting against gluttony in most areas of my life. Of course I like feeling healthy - but I also really like eating chips and desserts. And since balance is not my go-to, I usually fall off the chip and dessert cliff instead of eating a few here and there.
That said, I NEED THE BALANCE. Truth be told, I am pretty good at exercising and do it at least 3 times a week - usually 4 or 5. But, I have to always be watching my eating. I'm not one of those people who can just not weigh themselves and hope for the best. The best never happens for me. I do not accidentally lose weight (unless there is extreme life trauma). No, instead, I start feeling icky extra rolls on my stomach when I sit down. That's where I gain the weight: there and my inner thighs. Fun fact, I ruin more jeans by getting holes right at the top of the inner thighs, because my thighs just love each other. I will never have a thigh gap, which I am fine with, but still, sometimes I wish mine were a little less fond of each other.
I'm writing to encourage myself and others to look for balance, even when its hard. Being more disciplined is also a spiritual exercise, and I know that limiting myself is often what the Lord is asking from me. That said, I also know that I do not need to kill myself in search of the "perfect" body or even "my perfect body." Living in our society with all of the unnaturally thin images abounding can really be a mind trip. Mostly, I am happy with my size and shape and thankful for all of the ways my body works well. Even if I could stand to lose 5 pounds.
This is a snapshot of where I'm at right now. I'm working to bring my eating back under control and stay mindful of moving and drinking water. I really do feel immensely better when I do these things, and that is something to work towards. But it is always going to be work for me, and there will be good days and bad days. Just like there will be extra rolls on some days more than others. It's just going to be part of my life, and I'm learning to embrace the journey and the work that it will always take.
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