OUR MORNING IN RADIOLOGY: HIGHS & LOWS

This morning, the twins' long awaited swallow study finally arrived.  Though they had sent us several reminders with full instructions, I was still a little frantic last night, realizing that I hadn't read everything and didn't have a copy of their shot records.  I decided it could all be figured out when we arrived, and thankfully, I was right.  John graciously agreed to come with me, because we had to have some other adult, and I didn't have any other options.  Here are the highs and lows of this visit.

Low:  William and Violet could not eat or drink for three hours prior to their study, so we woke them early to get in a feeding as close to that window as possible.

High:  We got there about 15 minutes early, which significantly decreased stress.  (It's the same place we came for an ultrasound on Lily a couple of years ago, so we had no trouble finding the place.)  And, the waiting room was playing Disney Jr, which meant the girls could have sat there all day.  We were armed with snack traps, sippy cups and electronics for the girls and lots of food options for the babies, in case they needed to use any of ours for the study.



Low:  Sadly, after a bit of paperwork, we were transferred to a smaller, Disney Jr.-less waiting room for the rest of our visit.

High:  I took each baby back separately and got to experience the study, which was fascinating.  They added barium to varying consistencies of formula and food.  The barium shows up on the x-ray, and you get to watch as the liquid moves through their little tubes inside.  Technology like this really does amaze me.  By this point, both babies were really hungry, and neither of them had much issue eating anything that was offered to them, which was such a relief.  They did well, and everyone commented on how cute and sweet they were.

Low:  Our family made a bit of a splash, so nurses started coming back to the waiting room to see everyone.  Neither girl was interested in acting the least bit polite or kind.  Getting them to say "Hi" and/or make eye contact was like pulling teeth.  Few things are as painful as trying to get your child - who is old enough and only intermittently cooperative - to try to be gracious to a stranger.  One nurse actually accused Bella of rolling her eyes at her, which I don't think was intentional, but I did feel pretty bad about the whole thing.



High:  Everyone we worked with was really wonderful, and our primary nurse came back to explain all of the results and recommendations to us.  She was extremely thorough and helpful.

Low:  By the time she came back there, all children were pretty much done.  Which meant that as this woman was trying to explain intricate formula mixing instructions, I was feeding Violet puffs, trying to get Lily to stop climbing on the chairs and discouraging Bella from stepping on fallen puffs on purpose just to hear the crunch.  William was nodding off in John's arms.

High:  Because John is awesome, he took all children with him to the playground outside, so that I could actually hear and understand all of the information.

Low:  The deal is that they have a host of minor medical issues that we will continue to address.  Nothing is super serious, which is great news, and they will grow out of much of it.  But, the next 6-12 months will include a lot of me thickening any liquids that they get so they don't aspirate on them. Should be fun.

As we left, I found myself thankful for many things.  Though they have far more medical issues than Lily and Bella ever did, William and Violet are still quite healthy, especially given what they have gone through.  They are little miracle people, and I never forget that.  We live in a place where we have access to fabulous medical care, and because of the state we live in and the delays that the twins have, we get help financially, which is a great blessing.  Especially when we just keep making appointments with new doctors.

When the receptionist took down all possible information about our lives, she asked what I did for a living.  It reminded me how grateful I am to be able to stay home during this time in my children's lives.  I know that isn't right or possible for all families, but I am so thankful that I have the opportunity and the desire to do it.  I will be taking them to any appointment necessary to get the care they need, and I'm grateful for that chance.

Peace out radiology - unfortunately, I know we will be back!

VACATION GLOW GONE

Today has left me feeling beaten down.  The glow from our vacation has long since worn off, and this week has had more than its fair share of challenges.  Getting to the end of the day and still feeling like there are so many things that I could or should be doing has been the norm, and I eventually just succumb to a small bowl of ice-cream on the couch.  Because I need to sit still for just a few moments.  With the ice cream.

When looking at the grand scheme, I can see that the fog is lifting.  The twins are almost a year old, and some things have certainly leveled out, which certainly provides relief.  Instead of thick fog, it now feels like we are in a haze.  Things mostly look clear, but sometimes the images seem to shimmer or blur around the edges.  Like I can't quite put my finger on what I should be doing at any given moment, because the options are just so limitless.

Today and yesterday William has been wheezing, which pretty much means we are walking down the same asthma road with him.  He's been getting hits off of Violet's inhaler, which have helped, and we are heading to the pediatrician later this afternoon.  While the twins were in therapy after Mother's Day Out today, Bella started to have a rough time about the last 15 minutes we were there.  This included a lot of crying, a few angsty replies and screaming while laying under some chairs.

Obviously, we had a great cloud of witnesses for these events, as is usually the case.  Out we walked, headed towards nap time and hopefully a reset button.  So, for the rest of this blog post, I am going to remind myself about some of the wonderful, quirky things I love about my children right now, because I need a reset too.

Like the way that anytime Bella wakes up before me, she comes and cuddles with me.  This picture is actually from my birthday.

Or the way that Lily says that she loves me, unprompted.  Lily also has a real heart for service around our home, and though the "help" is not always helpful, it is always well-intentioned and sweetly performed.

Bella is such an affectionate child and rarely stops at just one kiss.  She grabs your face with both of her hands and kisses you squarely on the lips, and then turns your head to kiss your cheek as well.



And Bella also has moments when I ask, "Are you going to listen and obey?" In some of those moments, she is choosing the right thing to do, which is amazing to watch.  There are a million things to laugh at when your children are 3 and 5, and I find myself actually chuckling at many of the things they say.  Being a parent really is so entertaining.

I love the way that William gets so excited when he sees the box of Cheerios that he manages to shake the whole table.  Really.



He loves them.  And Violet really lights up when she sees someone that she loves.  She starts kicking and bouncing up and down.



Though the vacation glow is long gone, the glow of normal life can be spotted on the horizon.  I'm thankful for our normal life, the good and the bad.  The ups and the downs.  It is exhausting, but full and satisfying, when I choose to let it be.  Thankfulness transforms the way it all looks.

I HEART ADOPTIVE MOMS

This morning I was faced with a decision.  I had Mother's Day Out and no plans set in stone.  I had the usual gammet of options - work out, laundry, write a blog post, organize pictures, shop for spring clothes, etc.  And there was a breakfast for adoptive/foster moms at my church that had fluttered on the edge of my consciousness.

To be honest, I wanted to hole up and do my stuff by myself.  Yesterday was long with people - great - but lots of interaction from start to finish.  However, around 7 a.m., I decided that I should go to the breakfast.  I love the people that organized it, and I knew it would be good for me, even if I didn't necessarily feel like doing it.  A lot of life is like that - making the effort to show up usually pays off.

It paid off big time this morning.  Adoption and foster care are not easy roads.  They are fraught with grief and heart ache and complicated situations.  It's always complicated.  And not everybody gets that.  People that have not been down these roads or at least walked them closely with friends or family, often have no idea what all it entails.  Those are the same people that make inappropriate comments to you in public and/or think you are crazy.

To be absolutely honest, walking into the room was a little nerve-wracking, because I didn't know most people there.  So I went to the bathroom right away, because it felt like the right thing to do.  Then I found a friend and could breathe a little easier.  And I wondered if anyone would notice that instead of washing my hair this morning, I dumped way too much baby powder into it - so much so that it looked a little grayish in places, and I added some water to the top while in the bathroom to lesson the gray tinge.  I'm not sure if that was better or worse than the grease.

Once I was able see past myself and my powdered gray hair, I was able to appreciate the beautiful women who showed up.  We sat around, eating biscuits and eggs and bacon, talking about birth families and therapy and attachment, because those things make up our stories.  There are so many things about my children's story that I will never share online.  But, in a safe place, there is more freedom and space to tell some of the realities that come with children who are not biologically yours.

The reality is that sometimes this stuff makes you feel crazy.  Being in a room of women who "get it" was really wonderful.  No one there questions your love for your adopted children - they know that you fought tooth and nail to get them into your home and that you will continue to fight uphill battles on their behalf.  Everyone knows that even when its so incredibly hard, you would not change it, because these children are precious and made it God's image and worth the heartache.  And though our stories are all different, we can see that we are all the same.

We are broken people being used by God to love other broken people.  What a gift.

This morning I was also reminded of how God is near to the brokenhearted and loves the orphan.  I am so very thankful that he graciously revealed this to us.  I shudder to think what our lives would have looked like if we had missed it.  But, we have William and Violet, and they have us, and none of us will ever be the same.  I'm so very thankful.

So - let me declare this from the hilltops - I ❤️ adoptive moms.  I love having cheerleaders in this journey who will laugh and cry and pray and bring meals and get it.  What a blessing.

(Special thanks to Thrive - Fellowship Bible Church's Orphan-Care Ministry!)

THE HIDDEN THINGS

While I was doing the Great Spring Sort, I got down clothes from the attic that will now fit Violet.  Obviously, we have a lot of little girl clothing at our house, and I am thankful to get more use out of a lot of it.  If you have never pulled old baby clothes out of your attic, you may have some surprises in store for you, just as I did the first time I did this.

When you put the clothing away, it is clean and folded - at least, that's how I try to store mine, so that it is not absolute chaos to find what I might need or want later.  I don't keep stained clothing, as a general rule.  However, when you get it down after months, or likely a couple of years, of it sitting in the attic, it looks different.  Stains have reappeared.

This is especially true on little baby stuff when they are still drooling and spitting up a lot all over their clothes.  I remember my shock the first time I realized that those stains had actually been there the whole time, waiting to resurface.  The clothes look pretty good fresh out of the wash, but let them sit still for a while, and their true colors come out.

This feels like an obvious comparison to me, but I spent a lot of time last week thinking about how this is how my life feels.  I think much of the time that things look pretty good on the outside.  I can play by the rules.  I can put on a happy face.  I can be nice to people.  My insides wash up well and can basically put on a good show.

But that doesn't usually show the whole picture, even to myself.  Nitty gritty life has a way of revealing the hidden things inside my heart that are much less pleasant to see.  The stains that sin leaves.  The ugly parts that I would rather keep to myself.  It is usually just a matter of time before they come out in some way.

Maybe its a tough moment with my children when I find myself angrier than I have any right or reason to be.  Maybe its a challenging conversation that leaves me frustrated for days and unwilling to forgive.  Maybe its waiting in a line, when my impatience shows that I actually do believe that the world should revolve around me.  Maybe its the self-righteousness and pride that accompany so many of my thoughts, even when I wish they wouldn't.

Those things are all inside of me, biding their time, waiting to be revealed when pressed.  Sometimes its an incredibly discouraging thought.  I so much want my life to reflect more of who Jesus is as it goes on, and when I realize all over again the things inside of me, it can be so frustrating.

In a book about Galatians by Tim Keller that we have been going through, he said this, and it has really stuck with me:

The gospel of justifying faith means that while Christians are, in themselves still sinful and sinning, yet in Christ, in God’s sight, they are accepted and righteous. So we can say that we are more wicked than we ever dared believe, but more loved and accepted in Christ than we ever dared hope — at the very same time.

(emphasis mine)

I'm so thankful to be so loved and accepted by Christ even in my wicked state.  It's such a great hope to have in Jesus, truly.

Back to the clothes - this is what I do to get most of those stains out.  I learned this tip from a friend, and it really works on most stuff.  It's water, Dawn Dish soap and color-safe Clorox.  I leave them in the bowl for days and stir it every so often.  There's a little tip for your Monday.