ADOPTION UPDATE

Could there be a more boring picture for an adoption update post?  Probably, but this is what it is still looking like for us.  We are finishing up our paperwork.  Which feels to be never ending, though there is a dim light at the end of the long tunnel.  I found out today that our home study is officially completed and certified, so that was great news!

We are hoping to have our dossier (our packet of every document known to mankind about our existences that will go to the Ethiopian government) completed by September 1st, which means that is when we hope to go on the official waiting list.  We expect to wait a long time (12 to 18 months just to get a referral, which is when they say, we have these specific children for you to adopt) , mainly because what we are hoping for - sibling brothers under the age of 4 - is a pretty narrow request.  Our agency has been very upfront with us, which I so appreciate.  The way we see it is that it would take us a really long time to complete two separate adoptions, and we know we want to get two boys, so it feels worth it, at this point, to wait for a set of biological brothers, even though that will lengthen our wait time for this adoption.

We are going on two separate waiting lists, the healthy child waiting list, as well as a waiting list for certain special needs.  At this point, we believe that God has lead us to Lifeline (our agency), and we are willing to put our family in their hands, though ultimately, it is all in God's hands, which I am so thankful for.

Another plus to doing one adoption is the cost issue.  I will be upfront and tell you (which you could pretty easily find out from searching around on the internet), we expect to spend a bit over $30K for one Ethiopian adoption.  It includes all of our agency and home study fees, as well as a referral fee to the Ethiopian government and travel to pick up our child.  When we added another child, we realized that would only add an additional $5K to the cost, which seems very reasonable and another reason to be willing to wait the additional time necessary for a sibling set.

In the midst of talking with the agency, we found out that we are actually just as likely to get twins as we are to get a set of brothers because of the way Ethiopia works.  I would LOVE twins, and in many ways, I believe it could simplify things to be dealing with mostly the same developmental stage.  However, as we look out on this whole process, it is good to know that God knows exactly which boys should join our family - which boys will become our sons.

As I was working on tracking down some of the last documents we need, it hit me how close we are.  Not that we will have children home any time soon, but that it is almost time to wait and see who God brings us.  Our job will be done, for now.  The real work will start a long time from now.

We have completed most of our education, which has been extensive.  It has been both incredibly helpful and equally daunting.  One of the reasons I never wanted to adopt is that I had a feeling it would be really hard.  All of that reality came true through our education, and I started thinking, "I don't want this kind of pain in my family, in my child."  But quickly after that thought, it hit me that the pain exists whether I choose to engage in it or not.  The tragedy is there, and I can either be a part of redeeming that story or I can walk away.  I want to be part of the redemption.  It's the least I can do after all that Christ has done for me.

So, that's where we are.  It is exciting, nerve-wracking, thrilling, challenging and so many other things we can't even name yet.  We are glad to be living God's story for our family - thanks for following along!

SISTER JUSTICE

A funny and strange new phenomenon is occurring in my house regularly.  I am sure parents of other sibling sets of a certain age will easily recognize this.  Lily is very concerned with how I parent Bella.  In the car, Bella has started screaming for no reason.  Since this now has consequences in our family, because really, who wants their children to scream in the car for no reason, Lily is quick to tell me when Bella is screaming, as if I can't hear it.

This is usually how it goes down.

Bella:  lots of SCREAMING
me:  Bella, you need to stop screaming.  If you scream again, ______ will happen when we stop.  (I try to mix up consequences, but so far, nothing is really working well.)
Bella: one little scream, testing the limits of what I mean when I say "screaming"
Lily:  Bella, you need to calm down.  Everything is okay.  No screaming.
Bella: Yelling, not screaming.  But then punctuated by a little tiny scream.
Lily:  Bella is screaming.  Mom!  Bella screamed again!
me:  I heard it.
Lily:  You need to stop Bella screaming.
me:  I will do something, but right now I am driving the car, so I can't.
Lily:  You are not doing anything!  I do not want to hear more screaming!
(the irony in this statement is worth noting, but not to Lily, on whom irony is lost)
Bella: another testing scream

Usually at this point, I am wishing that we were at our destination or that we had never gotten out of bed.

This scenario plays itself out in many different ways at home, in the car and out in public.  Lucky us.  Lily is fixated on Bella getting what she deserves.  I am usually fixated on figuring out what could possibly work to induce appropriate behavior from both of my children.  Bella is currently fixated on getting exactly whatever crazy thing she wants in that moment and is usually willing to stop at nothing to make that happen.  In this intense stage, I have sometimes found myself wondering if we are absolutely nuts to be trying to add two more children to our family.

The answer is yes, but that is what God is calling us to, so we will have to make the best of it and know that God will be sanctifying us through it.

In all of this sister justice, I've seen that I do this with people around me and their stories.  I look and think they are getting it wrong, and God is not really dealing with it as I would.  Or that he is not working in their hearts.  Why do I ever think I know better?  I certainly don't, just like Lily doesn't.  We can see only a tiny bit of others' lives, and I can not make sense of what I can see.  Something I am working on is to speculate less and pray more.  Because, ultimately, my speculation and questions do nothing to help.  Prayer does.

And, I certainly have plenty to deal with in my own heart and life before the Lord.  Just ask Lily - she thinks I am not doing anything.

I SUCK AT MODERATION

If I could come up with a better title for this post, I would.  However, anything better and possibly more refined is escaping me, so I am just calling it like it is.



Since I spent the last month basically in a whirlwind of traveling, my real life has seemed to take a back seat to some of the adventures.  Being back with my kiddos and having a little more time on my own during the day (when they are napping), has meant processing for me.  I have loved the time with people and especially the time with John, but now that the dust is settling a bit as we prepare to head back to the more routine world of fall, I am seeing my life with new eyes.  Eyes that got a break and can see a bit more clearly.

Yesterday's post was borne out of some of this processing and today's will be as well.  One striking reality is headlining some of my processing, and it is this:

Living rightly in freedom is harder than having a set of rules to follow.

Give me a list of rules, and I can follow them (or I may decide not to follow them as that is sometimes my bent, but I will often have a well-thought through justification (read: excuse)).  Tell me that it is up to my own discretion, and things get a lot more sticky.  Why is life so much grayer than I ever thought it would be?  I can see now that I am drawn to the gray in some ways, because I want to do what I want to do, and if I can justify it somehow, even better.

One way this is currently manifesting itself is in my diet and exercise habits, both of which are in rough shape at the moment.  I wrote this post back in February about being a healthier version of myself, and I did it for a while.  I made rules and smoothies and stuck to them.  But when the time came to have a more normal life, I slipped back into some of the old patterns.  It is easier for me to have no Diet Dr. Pepper than to only have one.  Because seriously, once you have had one, you might as well have another.  Same with dessert.

Also, it was easier for me to train for a half marathon than to establish just a regular exercise routine.  Part of the problem was that summer attacked my life with its unbearable heat and unpredictable schedule, a deathly combination to running or walking outside, which are my exercise go-tos.  I am very much looking forward to having a bit more schedule and re-establishing more activity.  My clothes are fitting a little more tightly than I prefer.

So, those are my excuses for my current state of being, which I find icky.  I need to find some kind of balance and a way to set healthy goals and boundaries in my life, so that I know when I am doing a good job instead of floating in an ignorant oblivion hoping for the best.

This idea translates into many areas for me personally, and I think for humans in general.  It is more simple to be able to say "This is the rule" than to look for the heart of the matter and discern what God is saying to you.  And, while I think the Bible is abundantly clear about many issues in our lives, I also believe that Jesus came to abolish the Law and write Love in its place.  He calls us to love him first and cares more about our hearts than about our righteousness, which is really like filthy rags anyway.

It's harder to live like that.  It is harder to see beyond a set of rules and ask for God's discernment, which takes much more time and intentionality.  I pray that he gives me a heart to do this and to live in ways that are pleasing to him, and a heart that can say "no" to that 4th Diet Dr. Pepper of the day.

MY ENTITLEMENT ISSUES

All right, ya'll.  I have an almost two year old who thinks that she runs the world.  When I ask her to look me in the eye to listen, she smirks and looks at my nose or forehead.  Last night at dinner, she head butted me while I was correcting her.  (It hurt.)  Today, when I was asking her to say "Please" to get something, she instead kept saying, "Mine."

Mine.

Bella has entitlement issues, but as I have reflected on it, I realized that apple doesn't fall far from this tree.  Unfortunately, she comes by entitlement naturally, since I have my own battle with this issue.

What is it about being in line for security at the airport that when a woman cuts in line because "two lines are merging over there" she tells us, that I can't be gracious in my heart instead of saying, "That's not really how it works"?  Or, when a car is parked under the awning of a restaurant and it is raining, but not that hard, why am I compelled to glare at them malevolently to let them know I am unhappy they didn't move for me?  Why do I feel angry that I can't shop online for one second without intervening in another sharing/screaming issue between the girls?  Even while watching the Olympics, I have realized that in cheering for the USA, I expect and feel like we should win things.

I spend so much mental energy on ME and the things that I think I deserve or should have.  Often it is subtle, and I don't even realize it until the ugliness of it all bites me again in those hard moments.  So often things go my way, and so often in my life, they have.  I believe there are many of God's blessings in these things, but I think there are real challenges hidden there as well - becoming less hidden as I see the blackness of my own heart.

I used to have a picture in my head of what our life should look like, which is actually what it looks like much of the time.  It included loving God and serving people, of course, but it also revolved around giving our children great experiences and things, as well as enjoying life and maximizing the advantages we have been given.

That picture is shifting, hopefully more towards what God really wants for us.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."  Matthew 5:3-8

Through Christ, I have choices about how to see the world from his perspective.  How to go down lower.  How to stop trying to get ahead.  How to take on the real grief of those around me who carry burdens that I have never known, because my life has been relatively easy.  It is reframing my reality to the fact that I deserve death, instead of thinking I deserve to park under an awning and not get wet on my way into dinner.

I don't know how to do it.  I really don't.  I have a feeling it includes more daily dying to self, which clearly, I have a hard time doing and always need more of Jesus.  I need his eyes to see and his ears to see.  And so will she, someday.