Thursday, August 09, 2012

MY ENTITLEMENT ISSUES

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All right, ya'll.  I have an almost two year old who thinks that she runs the world.  When I ask her to look me in the eye to listen, she smirks and looks at my nose or forehead.  Last night at dinner, she head butted me while I was correcting her.  (It hurt.)  Today, when I was asking her to say "Please" to get something, she instead kept saying, "Mine."

Mine.

Bella has entitlement issues, but as I have reflected on it, I realized that apple doesn't fall far from this tree.  Unfortunately, she comes by entitlement naturally, since I have my own battle with this issue.

What is it about being in line for security at the airport that when a woman cuts in line because "two lines are merging over there" she tells us, that I can't be gracious in my heart instead of saying, "That's not really how it works"?  Or, when a car is parked under the awning of a restaurant and it is raining, but not that hard, why am I compelled to glare at them malevolently to let them know I am unhappy they didn't move for me?  Why do I feel angry that I can't shop online for one second without intervening in another sharing/screaming issue between the girls?  Even while watching the Olympics, I have realized that in cheering for the USA, I expect and feel like we should win things.

I spend so much mental energy on ME and the things that I think I deserve or should have.  Often it is subtle, and I don't even realize it until the ugliness of it all bites me again in those hard moments.  So often things go my way, and so often in my life, they have.  I believe there are many of God's blessings in these things, but I think there are real challenges hidden there as well - becoming less hidden as I see the blackness of my own heart.

I used to have a picture in my head of what our life should look like, which is actually what it looks like much of the time.  It included loving God and serving people, of course, but it also revolved around giving our children great experiences and things, as well as enjoying life and maximizing the advantages we have been given.

That picture is shifting, hopefully more towards what God really wants for us.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."  Matthew 5:3-8

Through Christ, I have choices about how to see the world from his perspective.  How to go down lower.  How to stop trying to get ahead.  How to take on the real grief of those around me who carry burdens that I have never known, because my life has been relatively easy.  It is reframing my reality to the fact that I deserve death, instead of thinking I deserve to park under an awning and not get wet on my way into dinner.

I don't know how to do it.  I really don't.  I have a feeling it includes more daily dying to self, which clearly, I have a hard time doing and always need more of Jesus.  I need his eyes to see and his ears to see.  And so will she, someday.

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2 comments:

Silvy Kehrli said...

hey carol!
just found your blog and LOVED this entry! so inspirational & heartfelt.

Linds said...

if there was a like button, I would like this post. I love how you write things like this... it's refreshing!