SURRENDER IN ADOPTION

(Beautiful hydrangeas that arrived on my doorstep as a belated birthday gift!)

Without going into details that are not appropriate to share in such a public forum, I can say that we got some bad news on the adoption front yesterday afternoon.  I spoke with our lawyer and with the Grandmother and Grandfather of the boys (who have still not been born), and a lot is up in the air, to say the very least.  I still have no idea how this will turn out, which is certainly not a "fun" place to be.

Most of this time, I have done pretty well as far as stress goes.  I don't like the uncertainty of the situation, but I have mostly been along for the ride.  Last night, I got pretty angry about it all for the first time.

There are so many hard things in the world, and coming face to face with some of them is a real challenge.  When we started this whole adoption process, there are about a million reasons we chose to go the international route - and we still may end up going that way.  That is where we felt led, and we love Africa and would love to be more connected to that continent.  We felt like we had some of the resources it required, and honestly, we liked the predictability of it.  You get on a wait-list and wait for a referral that will usually come when your name is near the top of the list.  There are still a lot of hard things about international adoption as well - no adoption path is clean cut, but there is a straight-forwardness to it.

I would have to say quite honestly that one of the reasons we chose not to pursue domestic adoption in that first place is that it seemed a bit messier.  Having a birth family in our own country or state or county just sounded harder.  Right now, we are off any map I ever could have chosen for our adoption path.  This was not an option, but it became one, and we felt like it was a step of obedience to commit to this family.  We still feel that way, and we are committed to seeing this through and taking the steps as God puts them in front of us to possibly get these boys.

As it stands right now, I feel like God must be really enjoying watching me squirm.  I didn't pick this, and I wouldn't have picked it.  He did, and here we are.  It is challenging me to think differently about the ways that I qualify my obedience.  I am saddened by the level of selfishness I still find within myself when facing things that I cannot control or understand.  I want to obey and serve in ways that make sense to me, and God is turning that upside down, as only he could.

All I can do is surrender.  That's actually not true - I could fight it, pull out or choose misery.  But I can see that the only option that is honoring to God is to surrender and do whatever he has for us, without qualifying it to make sure it fits with my agenda.

So, here's to being off the map and working to surrender.  We certainly need God's help.

HAPPY FRIDAY.

Spring arrived today, and we heralded this joyous coming by heading to the park for a picnic lunch.  The girls picked flowers and loved running around.

This week has brought a bizarre mix of good and bad.  Two separate times I have sneezed and managed to bite my tongue at the same time, causing it to bleed.  How does that even happen?  It's never happened before this week, but this week, it happened twice.  John was diagnosed with bronchitis yesterday, and the power steering briefly went out on his car.  Last week we discovered that mice (or some other small rodent) had chewed through some of the electrical wiring of the Cow Car.

Last night when Bella woke up wailing loudly about the Lightning McQueen car that had been in her bed when she went to sleep, I thought, "God help us if we actually get newborn twins.  We are going to need it."  I also thought - Really?  You really think you need a car in the middle of the night?  She also asked for a kleenex, a diaper change, her blanket and the Princess book.  Oh, and Fox in Socks.  Just a tiny bit high maintenance at 1:00 a.m.

On the bright side, I made balloon cookies for a friend's daughter's birthday party.  They were so fun and colorful!

The other bright spots of this week have included the fact that I have gotten a lot of stuff done.  I am probably more caught up on laundry than I have ever been, and the Walk that I am helping with has gotten a lot of needed attention from me.

And we just keep waiting.  I am enjoying having two children for the time being, or maybe for a lot longer than the time being.  Only time will tell.  We are now enjoying the beautiful weather, and we look forward to a pleasant weekend.  Or babies could come this weekend.  You just really never know, it seems.

I am thankful for the peace that God continues to provide and for the ways that he seems to be working.  No matter what happens, I am thankful that he's got this, and I've got to say, it is certainly an interesting ride.  God is never boring.

PASSING TIME, AKA, LIVING LIFE

Interestingly enough, the shock of our possible adoption plans has worn off a bit.  I did hear some hopeful news from the grandmother just this morning, and we are continuing to pray for a positive outcome for this situation.  My phone and I are still joined at the hip, but all adoption stuff feels like a surreal alter reality.  It has also occurred to me in the last day or so that if we actually get newborn twins, it will rock my world.  Life will become richer, but infinitely harder, at least for a while.  I am very thankful that for the time being we have a full life.  And, we have just been living it, trying to enjoy it.  Here are a few snippets -

Last week I had a birthday breakfast with my besties.  You may get tired of seeing pictures of them on the blog, but I never do.  Love you girls!



I took Lily to the doctor for her well-check up on Monday.  Since her last well check up was a train wreck, this one was a welcome change of pace.  Though the shots did not go over well, and I did resort to bags of Easter candy for both girls.

John and I had been planning a fun date night to the musical Spamalot for weeks, and we decided to go ahead and do it.  We met up with friends for dinner and enjoyed the silly distraction that was Spamalot.

Last night was a big, fat, deal.  As I was rushing out the door, Bella was screaming and my last words to the baby sitter were, "Try cat videos on YouTube!"  But, after the rough start to my night, I enjoyed the rest of it.  It was a CFA Customer Appreciation Night featuring Dan Cathy, President of CFA.  John had a fair amount of prep work for it, and there were events for our team members and John all day long.  I got to go to the dinner, which we had invited our Raving Fans (including our Community Group) to.  There was a green screen photo booth.  These pictures crack me up.



That's John and some of our amazing team leaders, and also fake Truett and Dan.  The next picture is John and I with some of our sweet customers that eat with us all. the. time.  They made name tags for everyone that was there representing our store - so precious!



It is still a mystery why John and I look quite so crazy in this photo.  Everyone else looks normal, especially Dan and Truett.  The evening was such a great night.  I always enjoy CFA events, because they do an incredible job, and I am thankful to work with and for such amazing people.  I sat with my favorite peeps too, so that made it extra fun.  They threw cows at the stage and stood on chairs cheering when John was introduced, so you know they are good friends.



Which brings us to Wednesday.  We are just going through each day, hoping for the best and enjoying the time we have right now.  It will be nice to get some conclusive answers at some point, but until then, we will pass the time by living our life.

WAITING WITH A HEAVY PHONE

I'm always pretty attached to my phone.  But this week that has gotten worse.  I feel like I need it by my side every. single. tiny. little. moment. of every single day.  It is a wearing feeling to know that at any second (or most likely not) you could receive a life-changing phone call.  Either way, a phone call will give us more information, which is pretty hard to come by right now.  It really is a waiting game - one that is not a lot of fun to play.

I will say this - waiting gives you time to think.  My brain is on hyper-drive with possibilities and scenarios and what ifs.  As I try to reason it out, I find myself almost trying to strike deals with God - even though I know that is not how life works.  Deals like, "Well, we agreed to take these boys whether they were healthy or not, so surely, you {God} will honor that and make them healthy."  Or, "We are trying to follow what we think is your {God's} plan, and you will make it turn out how we want it to."  It is amazing what all I try to figure out in my finite mind, and I know that God has the answers and also probably thinks I am funny.  I know that no amount of bartering with God brings about circumstances that I deem desirable.

I was stopped in my tracks the other day by a verse in Proverbs that I memorized long ago -

Proverbs 3:5

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

My understanding will not give me answers.  I won't get answers in the time-frame that I desire.  I have to trust the Lord, and I have to know that we are walking whatever journey he has for us right now.  I may not ever understand it all, and I have to be okay with that.  Some things will not be understood on this side of heaven - though I hate that reality.  I trust the one who holds all the pieces.

We did get our wait-list update for our Ethiopian adoption.  We are #69 on the big list and #3 on the Special Needs list.  It's funny to see how much I have tracked those numbers as a way to see progress towards an end goal.  I know it is not bad or wrong, because it is nice to have markers for a journey, but I can see that those numbers are just that.  Numbers.

In the end - God is bigger than those numbers and is at work behind all scenes matching children with families.  Children, especially orphans, are so close to the heart beat of God, and he is working on their behalf.  Again, I have to trust him and not my own limited understanding.

I am also gaining a greater sense of compassion during this time.  Waiting is a stretching experience that causes me to look outside of myself (in the good moments) and get a better understanding of hard things in the world.  I am forced to think of people outside of my little circle, and I am, in fact, learning things about a whole different world that is really so close.  That's the thing about domestic adoption - it is really close to home.  Sometimes it is easier (or at least more romantic on some level) to deal with realities that are a world away instead of several blocks away.

Hopefully, we will hear something soon, and I will have news one way or the other to report.  That would certainly feel good.  But, I am learning in the wait, which I am thankful for.

(Also, despite the picture at the top of this post, I am still waiting for spring.  Yesterday was such a tease!)