WAITING WITH A HEAVY PHONE

I'm always pretty attached to my phone.  But this week that has gotten worse.  I feel like I need it by my side every. single. tiny. little. moment. of every single day.  It is a wearing feeling to know that at any second (or most likely not) you could receive a life-changing phone call.  Either way, a phone call will give us more information, which is pretty hard to come by right now.  It really is a waiting game - one that is not a lot of fun to play.

I will say this - waiting gives you time to think.  My brain is on hyper-drive with possibilities and scenarios and what ifs.  As I try to reason it out, I find myself almost trying to strike deals with God - even though I know that is not how life works.  Deals like, "Well, we agreed to take these boys whether they were healthy or not, so surely, you {God} will honor that and make them healthy."  Or, "We are trying to follow what we think is your {God's} plan, and you will make it turn out how we want it to."  It is amazing what all I try to figure out in my finite mind, and I know that God has the answers and also probably thinks I am funny.  I know that no amount of bartering with God brings about circumstances that I deem desirable.

I was stopped in my tracks the other day by a verse in Proverbs that I memorized long ago -

Proverbs 3:5

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

My understanding will not give me answers.  I won't get answers in the time-frame that I desire.  I have to trust the Lord, and I have to know that we are walking whatever journey he has for us right now.  I may not ever understand it all, and I have to be okay with that.  Some things will not be understood on this side of heaven - though I hate that reality.  I trust the one who holds all the pieces.

We did get our wait-list update for our Ethiopian adoption.  We are #69 on the big list and #3 on the Special Needs list.  It's funny to see how much I have tracked those numbers as a way to see progress towards an end goal.  I know it is not bad or wrong, because it is nice to have markers for a journey, but I can see that those numbers are just that.  Numbers.

In the end - God is bigger than those numbers and is at work behind all scenes matching children with families.  Children, especially orphans, are so close to the heart beat of God, and he is working on their behalf.  Again, I have to trust him and not my own limited understanding.

I am also gaining a greater sense of compassion during this time.  Waiting is a stretching experience that causes me to look outside of myself (in the good moments) and get a better understanding of hard things in the world.  I am forced to think of people outside of my little circle, and I am, in fact, learning things about a whole different world that is really so close.  That's the thing about domestic adoption - it is really close to home.  Sometimes it is easier (or at least more romantic on some level) to deal with realities that are a world away instead of several blocks away.

Hopefully, we will hear something soon, and I will have news one way or the other to report.  That would certainly feel good.  But, I am learning in the wait, which I am thankful for.

(Also, despite the picture at the top of this post, I am still waiting for spring.  Yesterday was such a tease!)