Life has felt a little on the overwhelming side for a while now, and I'm realizing that it is not getting easier. Certain things obviously ebb and flow, but there is a reality to our constant right now that is tiring.
(this is me trying to take a nap at nap time - which I hardly ever do, but I needed it - and I needed to block out the sound of twins running wild in their room. a pillow over the ears does help a bit.)
Having toddler twins is not for the faint of heart, and when I feel faint-hearted, I am losing. One current example of this is that Violet has decided that she needs to be potty trained, and for a while, I thought it was a kick she was on that could certainly not last. Her language skills are behind by several months, so I wouldn't have picked NOW to start this dreaded process. But, she has picked now and with authority. There is success about 50% of the time. She wants to go frequently and everywhere we go, so I definitely have a "toilet tourist" on my hands.
Since I didn't initiate this process, I have been dragging my feet and annoyed and hoping it would just pass. After potty training the girls (which I hated), I have always said you should wait to potty train a child until they are absolutely ready. I'm finally coming to grips with the fact that Violet is, and now I have to do the hard work. I wasn't ready, but that doesn't matter.
William likes going into the bathroom and touching things, so that's been pretty awesome.
At Christmas, both twins decided that sleeping in their cribs was overrated. This has meant a bit of pandemonium at nap time and bed time - just what I wanted to inject into those. We transitioned them into toddler beds, and now we lock them into their room. Every night is different, but V especially does not like to be contained and often bangs on the door. Many nights she falls asleep on the floor by the door, and because her breathing is so loud, it feels like Darth Violet is breathing down your neck in the living room.
William refuses to walk out of doors when it is cold.
Violet can push a chair around the kitchen to climb anywhere she wants.
William hates to put on a coat and often hates changing his clothes.
It is a constant state of high alert, and I feel tired about it most of the time. Plus, we are parenting two other precious children who come with their own fair share of drama. I feel like I owe our two most recent babysitters public notes of apology, because they both had to experience very unpleasant behavior from our older girls in turn. John and I actually cut a date night short to intervene just this weekend.
How do I bring this post around to something redemptive? I'm not really sure at this point. I want to be real here, and I also want to remind future Carol of what it was like. I think some of these are things that get lost in the shuffle and glossed over with rosy haze- most of which is probably for the best.
The bottom line is that I am constantly needing more of Jesus to do life. He's the only place that I can get the kind of energy that I need and a perspective that changes the sometimes drudgery into holy moments. Also, I need his wisdom and extra doses of creativity and joy to be able to parent in a way that is pleasing to him and also the way I really want to treat my children. They are gifts, and while I am totally honored to be able to parent them, I hope I survive at least until they are all five or older. It will be only by God's grace.