Thursday, April 10, 2014


Last year at this time was truly agonizing.  There were more unknowns than we could number.  I carried my phone near me literally every moment wondering when or if the call would come.  My body would shake when I talked about how our lives might or might not be changed, and the reality was, the experience had already marked us forever.

We did not know whether or not William and Violet would become ours.  They were in the care of another woman.  A woman I still have not met, and it is unlikely that I will meet her in the near future.  We are very close in age, and I am always shocked when I realize that we are peers with two entirely different lives.

And I'm the one raising the children that she carried for 35 weeks.

It's incredibly personal, really.

Some days I am overwhelmed with the grief that it is for a parent and child to have to separate.  There are good, right reasons for it, but it is still a tragedy.  When Violet was so slow to smile in the beginning, I wondered in the back of my mind if she knew what was missing.  If somehow that pain had made its way into her heart even though she was teeny tiny.

Though we have given William and Violet a family and a home forever, I cannot replace what they have lost.  There are so many joys and privileges we have been given in this particular journey.  We have a lot of birth family involvement, and I am forever grateful.  But, no one will ever look at Violet and try to find her eyes in my face.  No one will ever wonder if William's height came from John's side.  Those things are no make or break to life, obviously, but they are things often taken for granted in conventional family and things that I imagine they will one day miss.

Sometimes I think back to the moment of separation.  I was not there at that moment - the one where they parted company from their birth mother.  I cannot fathom the pain.  I was waiting for glad tidings of bringing children into our family, but it all came from heartbreak.  So bittersweet.

Now, I carry the other mother in my heart.  She will always be a part of them and now a part of me.  I hurt for what she does not get to enjoy.  William is pure joy and has an infectious laugh that people are drawn to.  Violet is vivacious and tender all at once.  She knows how to make you love her.  They are becoming their own little people, and we get the front row seat that their birth mother had to vacate.

As we near the one year mark of their birth, I am brimming with emotions.  How has a year of their sweet lives passed already?  Parts of it went so quickly, while other parts of it (like formula mixing and lack of sleep) seemed to drag on for ages.  They are so big and so very cute.  I mean, some of the cutest children ever.  I am so thankful that their birth mother chose to give them to us, because that was not an easy choice.  And I'm praying for her as this first year draws to a close.