Tuesday, March 26, 2013

ADOPTION DOUBTS & FEARS

So, there is some stuff stirring on our adoption front.  I'm not quite ready to go internet public with all of it, but I wanted to record some of my own thoughts and feelings captured in just this moment.

God had to do a lot of work to make me open to adoption and to show me that this was his plan for our family.  His plan is always better than mine, so why I doubt that is hard to imagine.  Except for the fact that I have to give up control.  And I like control - or at least my flawed perception of control.

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Here's the deal - adoption is straight-up messy.  It involves tragedy.  It involves paper work.  It involves uncertainty.  It involves doubt.

I doubt myself and my own ability to mother children that I didn't birth.  I doubt the timing.  I doubt the future.  I wish it weren't true, but those are the facts.  It is scary.  I hope the love will come.  It's like I can see it, hovering on the horizon.  It seems like this interminable winter where I am waiting for the warmth of spring to come and wondering if it ever will.  I know it will, but I can't always feel it, which is a bit scary.

And then I look to the Lord.  I see his goodness.  I see the way he adopted me.  I feel the love he has for me, and the love he has for whichever boys he chooses to be our sons.  I know the story is ultimately about him, and that we are tiny little pieces in it that serve to make his story known and better understood in this fallen world.

He has called us into this work, and he will equip us for it.  I want to follow what he has for us and be obedient to his leading.  Mostly, I want to get out of the way and see his goodness in the land of the living.  What glorious things he has in store, because he is such a good God.  I'm so thankful we get to celebrate the redemptive work he did for us on the cross this week.

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And I am thankful that he writes our stories.  He is the best story-teller there is.

1 comments:

Amy Davis said...

I needed to hear this today! I don't think many people talk about the what ifs and the fear while we wait in adoption nearly enough! Thanks for your honesty:))