THE MOM I THOUGHT I WOULDN'T BE

This week my Facebook newsfeed has been inundated with First Day of School Pictures.  The children are darling.  The uniforms are precious.  And as I scroll through them, I know my time is coming.  Faster than I ever thought it would.  Next year, my first child, my baby Lily, will start kindergarten.  I have one year left with her at home with me.  One year, when I thought the time would stretch on forever.

I have honestly been grieving the coming change this week, since I know next year our time will come.  I have been in tears on more than one occasion.  My mom pointed out years ago that I grieve WAY before something actually happens.  I seem to prepare for big change far in advance, which often means that when the change comes, I am usually ready for it.  I remember as a child crying about the fact that I would someday leave my parents and go off to college and maybe even - gasp - get married.  I wondered why I would ever want to do that - though I knew in my heart that I probably would want to when the time came.

And yet, this is coming as a surprise to me.  I thought I would be thrilled for school to start.  Thrilled to have extra time on my hands.  Thrilled that my children would be learning, growing and developing into who they are meant to be.  Thrilled for the independence for each of us.  That was all before I knew how much I would enjoy having my children with me.



Now - there are so many hard days and moments right now while my children are little and seemingly omni-present.  But, they are with me, and I get to see them laughing at silly things.  I get to see them learn to love one another and other people we encounter.  I get to see up close their little personalities and the ways that they think and process the world.  I get to be the primary influencer in their small world.  And, it gets more and more fun as time goes on.  I didn't think my personality would be well suited for this, but come to find out, it actually is, and I am so grateful.

Everyone makes schooling and childcare choices that are right for their family.  For us, we opted not to put Lily into a formal Pre-K program, because I didn't want to forfeit the time with her.  I feel like she will be in school forever, and this year, she doesn't have to be.  The school we are planning to send her to does not have a half-day kindergarten program, so when she goes, it will be full-throttle.  My kiddos will be in a Mother's Day Out program two mornings a week this year (as we have been in the past), and at Lily's age, they do a lot of school type stuff.  I do love having them all in something and the couple of free mornings that it offers me.  It's good for all of us.



All of this to say - I am the mom I thought I wouldn't be.  I enjoy my kids more than I thought I would, which is a blessing far more than I deserve.  I am selfishly dreading the advent of kindergarten in our world and the way that our entire schedule will shift to accommodate it and the way that I won't see Lily for a large chunk of the day.  (I am also so sad for Bella, who will be lost for a while.)  Probably by the time it comes I will be closer to ready, since I am clearly going to spend this year in mourning complete with sackcloth and ashes.  It will feel like graduation into another whole stage.  Just as we have gotten this stage of life sort of under control (that's probably an overstatement of what's happening here, but you know what I mean), we will have to tackle a whole different stage.



And that is the way of life.  The way that it should be.  Nothing stays the same, and I am equal parts grateful and angry about that fact.  God knows that we need for things to change regularly so that we have new reasons to depend on him, which I surely will when I have a child in school.  I know it will be good for her and good for our family.  I know it will broaden our horizons and introduce us to people we will likely love.  I know it will be a joy and privilege to see Lily (and the other kids in turn) flourish and learn.  I know it all with my head.

Maybe in a year, my heart will catch up a little.  Or maybe I will still be wearing the sackcloth and ashes and will have added teeth gnashing to the routine.  Time will tell.



(All pictures are from this morning as all the girls and I enjoyed being outside during the most wonderful August weather of all time.  William was inside napping.)