IDENTITY ISSUES

Last night I went to a meet and greet for a ministry I have long been apart of.  This year, I am joining in by leading a group, and I am really excited for the opportunity.  The mixer last night included some of my besties, some excellent acquaintances and many strangers.  In an effort to be more social and get to know others, I tried to not just talk to my best friends - which is hard to do, because they are pretty great, and that is always easier for me than talking to people I don't know.

Honestly, I am right on the line between introverted and extraverted.  I enjoy being around people and talking, but only to a point.  As I was driving home last night, it hit me that part of what is draining to me about the introduction stage with people is the fact that I struggle with identity issues.  I want to put my best foot forward.  I want to be liked.  I want to be understood for the many facets of who I am and for that to be easily conveyed.

I know that all those things are pretty common.  I think in my own head that I take it to the next level just a bit.   If I am being straight out honest here - I expect to be liked and admired for the things that I am associated with or good at.  It is far too easy for me to find my identity in things that are good, but not eternal.

All of my life, I have struggled with finding my identity in other places.

High School Carol: "I'm the smart Christian girl."
Early College Carol:  "I'm the fun girl."
Late College Carol:  "I'm the girl whose dad is dying of cancer."
Grad School Carol:  "I'm married to John.  Isn't he great?"
Settling in Little Rock Carol:  "We just opened the new CFA!"
Current Carol:  "I have four kids under four.  I write a blog.  We adopted the two youngest who are 3.5 month twins.  I help chair fund-raising events for orphan care ministries.  I make cute cookies."

As I look back at it all, it is amazing to see how much what I do defines who I am.  And the reality is that the things I choose to do are an outpouring of who God has made me to be.  My life represents those things and opportunities that God has placed there, and for that I am always grateful.  But instead of being focused on wanting people to like and admire me, I want God to move my heart downward.  I want more of him and more humility.

I know my real identity.

My name is Carol - I am a sinner through and through with nothing good inside of me but what comes from Christ.  His grace saves me, redeems me and gives me hope for life.  He is everything, and I am special because I am made in his image.  Anything that I can do well is because of him, and those gifts are given to be a blessing to others.  I am blessed to be a blessing.  I live to make his glorious name known.

When typed out like that, it seems so simple.  It puts everything into the proper perspective and takes the pressure off.  I am in my proper place, which is a servant of the one true King.  I can only hope and pray that he continues to make this identity the most important thing about me.