Monday, May 28, 2012

I'm Not Pregnant, but I am Expecting

      We have been accepted to our agency, and we have officially started the "Paper-Chase."  And, that is no joke.  John's actual comment on it was, "Anyone that is going to be a parent at all should have to do all this.  One problem with the world is that almost anyone can go out and breed.  Adoption is much harder."  I'm not sure what all I expected, but I did not realize it would include each of us writing a detailed autobiography of our entire lives, with specific plot points that we are expected to outline.
      There are other loose ends in our life that I have to figure out, as well.  For example, I am going to have to finally address my latent TB (you can read my post about that here), and I still haven't taken the medicine.  So, I am going to go get a blood test done to make sure that it really is there, because I would rather not do the whole TB clinic thing for 9 months if I don't have to.  We haven't had our cats vaccinated in a couple of years, so that just got put on the calendar.  (They are indoor cats, so I sort of think they are fine.  Plus, who wants to drag 30 pounds worth of cat and 60 pounds worth of child to the vet's office?  Not me.)  In most areas of life, I am a responsible adult, but as I have written this last paragraph, I realized that I still probably need to grow up a bit and just do the things that need to be done.  Like cure myself of TB.
      All of that said, I get a bit excited and kind of a rush when I see a stack of paperwork projects that need to get done.  It hearkens back to my over-achieving school self.  It is like a challenge, and I want to get it all done as quickly as possible while still living a semi-normal life.  Because we cannot even start officially waiting until all this paper craziness is done.  And, I want to be officially waiting, because now that I know this is the path we are on, I want to be running on it.
      One of my greatest hang-ups with getting on-board the adoption band-wagon was that I couldn't imagine loving other children as much as I love the ones that have grown inside of me.  What I didn't realize is that my heart is bigger than I imagined it to be, because I have a big God.  These children that we are hoping for have started growing in my heart.  Though I am not physically pregnant, I am expecting children.  Little boys with chocolate brown skin and eyes - I've found myself watching boys like these when we see them out and about, and I am drawn to them in a way I never expected.  It feels like when I was pregnant with the girls and would see and notice other baby girls we encountered, enamored, because of the growing hope inside myself.
      And, I find myself surprised by the joy this all brings.  Surprised in the ways that God is already giving joy in this journey.  We have a very long wait in front of us - I imagine it will be several years before we bring our children home.  Thankfully, I do not have to be physically pregnant for all of that time; everyone should be thankful for that.  We are setting very low expectations for our time-line, because what a wise person once told us is that "Disappointment is the gap between expectations and reality."  That has really stuck with me and saved me a lot of unnecessary disappointment simply by readjusting my expectations.
      So, here's an "expecting picture."  I think my face reflects my surprise at the whole fact that we are here as well as my surprise at the fact that I am excited about it.  Maybe instead of pictures of my growing belly (I hope it doesn't get bigger during this process), I will update pictures of facial expressions that reflect how things are going.  Or, maybe not.  That might be kind of weird.  We'll see.

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      Thanks for all of the kind words, comments, messages and general encouragement.  It means a lot, and we really appreciate it!

2 comments:

Anna said...

Amazing. You are covered in prayer!!

Boonies in the Boonies said...

Eek!!