Wednesday, October 23, 2013



Last Wednesday I took some time to just chill with myself and with God.  The kids were at MDO, and instead of trying to plow through a list of things I wanted to get done, I got myself a bagel from Panera and headed to Barnes and Noble to read and reflect.  When I talked to John about it, I told him that I was trying to get off the Crazy Train.

"What is the Crazy Train?" was John's first question.  This is how I define the Crazy Train - I have a feeling that I should always be doing something productive, because there are always so many things to do.  I feel like there is little margin, and my head is spinning with possibilities and lists.  I feel like there is always another email to answer, another diaper to change, another bottle to wash, another activity to be planned and another meal to be made.

But - I am fighting back.  Even if only in my head.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog post about priorities and talked about how I was overwhelmed and possibly too busy.  It's funny that as I look back at that post, I can still echo some of those same sentiments.  There is definitely truth in that post, and I am still going before the Lord and asking him to help me to determine where my time and energy is most pleasingly spent for him.

However, as God works on my thoughts and heart, I can see that I am a big part of the problem.  Of course.  Unfortunately, I am fairly certain this is always the case.  I want to do all of the things in the world there are to do.  My brain is usually on hyper drive with ideas for fun and adventure as well as tasks and to dos that need to be done.  This can leave me busy and tired - especially when you add several doses of grand weekends spent largely with people and the lack of sleep that comes with infant twins.  That post was written out of a place of extreme tiredness, but it was one that I had largely brought upon myself.

You see, I think I am so busy.  I guess this often makes me feel important - like I have all of these things going on that I am needed for.  When people ask how things are, I say something like, "Crazy busy," and they nod their heads, because they, too, are "Crazy busy."  Recently I've read a couple of blog posts that speak to this sort of busy-ness.  (Busy and Balance vs. Survival)  I'm coming to a realization that I've had before, but apparently I need to keep getting hit over the head with, that being "busy" in my life is a privilege.

I am busy with things like birthday parties for my children.  Things like trips to the pumpkin patch and baby showers for friends.  Things like decorating my home for fall and making sure my kiddos have all the clothes I want them to have as the chill weather comes upon us.  Things like watching the baseball playoffs.  All of these things are thoroughly first-world, middle-class things to be "busy" with.

I am not busy working three jobs to make enough cash money to feed my babies.  I am not slaving away in a field wondering if I will have a home to go back to.  I am not ever worried about things having to do with my family's survival.  I am consistently worried about fluff.  I am busy with things that I like or have volunteered for or want to do, which could probably be said for many of my peers as well.

Now, I am not saying these things in and of themselves are bad, but what am I cashing in to create more comfort and fun memories for my own little family?  Do I have "time" for the hurting person that God puts into my path?  Am I too "busy" to care for the orphan in my city or the one around the world?  God - please let it not be so.  Realigning to his design for my life and relinquishing my own is one of the hardest things for me to really do.

I always think I want the easy and the fun.  But, the truth is and needs to be that I want more of whatever God has for me.  That may entail things that feel like they push our family outside of our comfort zone.  We will have to give up some comfort and a ton of control.  We will have to sacrifice.  Nothing worth doing is without sacrifice.

Lord - please help me do the things worth doing.  Please show me what those are and what those aren't.  Give me wisdom to choose, because I most certainly will choose wrongly if left to my own devices.  Help me off the Crazy Train.