Friday, July 31, 2015

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW

Sometimes it is laughable to me to think of all the things that I don't know.  The list stretches for miles.  I'm not prone to fear in general, but the list of things I don't know can wriggle into my thoughts and cause me to spin.  When I let my thoughts drift to the tragedies that I don't yet know about in my future or when I think about all of the things my children might or might not do, it can induce a low level of panic.

I'm wired to want control and to live as if I have some of it over my life.  And, sure, there are some things that fall into my sphere of control.  But that list is far shorter than I wish it were, if I am completely honest.  One of the reasons that adoption was not initially appealing to me is the control that you give up.  It was easier for me to trust my own genes (which is faulty logic at best) than to hold my hands open to whatever genes landed in them.  I didn't want the complication of the unknowns.

However, as I wind my way through the intricacies of life, I've realized that both bad and good lurk in the unknown.  At the end of the day, I don't know what I don't know, and that street goes both ways.  If I open the lens a little wider to get even more of the picture, I have to remind myself that only God knows, and the bad and the good will work themselves out for his glory and my good.

Which brings me to Wednesday.

V & W have two biological half siblings and one on the way.  We have gained real family that is precious to me through this process, and I never could have imagined it.  It's funny, because I remember that one of the reasons we initially wanted to adopt internationally is that we did not want to have birth family drama near by.  (I know that is short-sighted and self-centered, but it really was something I thought about and wanted to control.)  Thankfully, God knew what would be best for both me and my children. He has provided such real love with the birth family, and I am forever grateful.

So, when it was time for the adoption finalization for Quinn, 10 months, I was thrilled to join in.  I did have a sitter set up, and the girls were working at CFA, but I had planned the timing poorly and ended up taking the twins to court with me.  I prayed for the best and prepared for the worst.  They did great(ish), and in the end, I'm glad they got to be there, even though they had no idea what was going on.  William really liked to say "Light!" loudly, and Violet made friends with those around her.

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Such beautiful women + doll baby girl = all the heart-eyed emojis

It's just amazing to be part of this family.  We never could have imagined it, and now, I wouldn't have it any other way.  I'm continuing to pray for the new sibling on his or her way.  We really would love to have our friends join us in this journey, and just as I had to keep reminding myself when we were waiting for the twins to be born, I have to go back to the truth that God knows what he has planned.  In the meantime, we don't know what we don't know, and we hope and pray for the best.

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