This past week we have certainly tried to pack in the fun and max out our summer. As a major bonus, this has kept me pretty distracted from all that will happen next week. But that has changed today - I had conferences for the twins at 8 am (though I arrived at 8:15 - school mornings will be a rude awakening next week😁😳), and we head to the girls' school tonight to meet their teachers. School is all up in my face today.
Last week, both William and Violet were re-evaluated to see where they fall developmentally and what they would qualify for, and I received all of those results this morning. None of it came as a surprise, but in all honesty, I did experience some sadness. No one wants for their children to be "behind" developmentally. That is not what I would have picked for them.
I also wouldn't have picked any of the reasons that led us here. Some of it comes down to the fact that they were premature twins, and then they also experienced a host of other risk factors. I wish wish wish that I could take all of that away from them. Their story is so different and much harder than so many other children, including their two older sisters. They've already experienced so much tragedy that marks their lives in ways they can't understand yet, and I already dread the day that I will have to explain the parts that I know and understand.
But God is writing their story - not me. He is the weaving the pieces together to make something more beautiful than I can imagine. And though tragedy marks much of their beginnings, it certainly doesn't define them now. They are joyful and engaged and affectionate and whip smart in their own ways. They have speech and self-help delays, but both of them fall in totally normal range socially and emotionally, which I did find encouraging.
I wouldn't have picked for them to need more therapy and structure and instruction before kindergarten. In many ways, I feel like I am losing my job starting on Monday, and it is sooner than I imagined it ever would be. This isn't what I envisioned for us all, but it is where God is clearly leading our family, and we feel peace about the path we are walking.
I know God is at work and has plans for each of us that are for our good and his glory. It will be better than what I would've picked, and though I know that in my head, it will likely take my heart a while to catch up. I'm looking forward to all that God will do in our lives as we live in our relatively separate spheres this fall. It feels like we are stepping into another big unknown, and it may be a great deal better than what we have now, but I don't yet know what it looks like.
So, I'm grieving the loss of what I know right now. I'm losing a bit of my identity at present, and though I am certainly not completely defined by my children, they have been a HUGE part of my world the last seven years. They obviously will continue to be a huge part of my world, but it will all shift a bit - at least for the foreseeable future.
And though I wouldn't have picked all of these developments, I am working towards gratitude for them. I know that God placed us here, and I trust him. In my heart of hearts, I am glad that God does the picking, because he is faithful and good and true. No matter what.