Tuesday, July 08, 2014


Sometimes I disgust myself.  Yesterday was one of those days.  My attitude was depressing and steeped in entitlement.  "Why does everything feel so hard?" I found myself wondering.  This thought crossed my mind as I was trying to stay out of my house while it was getting cleaned for me.  Entitlement does not appreciate irony.

To the end of avoiding our home, I took all the kiddos on a quick excursion into a store and was quickly reminded why I try to avoid that.  I was asked no less than five times whether or not I have two sets of twins.  One woman followed up with a "Really?" when I told her that the girls were not twins but just close in age.  As if I were somehow confused on this fact.

Then, there was the incident in the check out line when the girls were bickering over a water bottle that had approximately three swallows left in it.  Bella kept saying, "My tummy is so empty, and I am so thirsty."  Lily just stood their wailing, with babies occasionally chiming in their own discontent.  At one point, Bella started actually screaming and threw herself down to the ground.  The woman behind me, who had been fastidiously watching this drama play out, tried to intervene with Bella.

I don't remember exactly what the woman said, in a kind - though patronizing - voice.  I do remember Bella's response.  She snarled at the lady.  Like - an actually growl.  The woman looked at me and said, "I feel sorry for you."  And I mumbled something brilliant like, "We'll survive."

Needless to say, I was ready to get the heck out of there and quit having people openly staring at us.  The rest of the day felt the same way - though it played out in the privacy of my own home, thankfully.  I was tired of the whining, very tired of the constant crying and just wishing that these days with a hoard of really young children would pass by quickly.

John and I had a conversation over the weekend about surviving versus thriving.  I don't want to just "survive" these years, but I am coming to grips with the fact that I may not feel like I am "thriving" every moment, and that's okay, too.  Having 14 month old twins is hard - it just is.  There are few things that really entertain them that don't involve you playing with them on the floor.  It means that this summer, we are a bit limited in our scope of activity.  And that's okay.

Yesterday was a good reminder that without the Lord, I have got nothing good going on in my heart.  I want it all, and I want it now is my heart's cry without the Lord.  I focus on myself and just want "A MOMENT TO BE ABLE TO THINK!" or "TWO SECONDS TO READ THIS THING ON FACEBOOK!" or "TO BE ABLE TO DO WHATEVER I WANT" and not have to clean the kitchen table again.

I wish this weren't the truth, but if I didn't recognize it for what it is - sin - then I wouldn't be able to see the huge need I have for God's grace in my life.  Daily.  Hourly.  Momently.  I'm thankful to have eyes to at least see it clearly, though that certainly doesn't make it easier to eradicate.

In other news - today has been better.  I've been turning my frown upside down, as the saying goes.  It can't hurt that I gave both babies ibuprofen right away today as a preventative measure.  Teething bites.


I'm asking God to give me more of his grace today and always.  I'm trying to let expectations of a "magical, sun-drenched, super-fun summer" roll off my back and embrace where I'm at.  I'm at our kitchen table with my precious kids who are thrilled to be talking their heads' off to me or clapping whenever I talk to them.

And today, that's a good place to be.