Thursday, March 13, 2014

THE END OF ME

This week has felt longer than the four days that have so far occupied it.  Each day has brought new challenges and joys.  And each day has been really long.  Maybe it's that we're going out of town next week and so there seems to be more need to squeeze everything in.  Maybe it's that four days with four kids is always a recipe for day-lengthening.  Maybe it's that we've stuffed things into every nook and cranny of our time and brains, and so the breathing that needs to happen - well, it's not happening.

Yesterday I was brought up quite short.

By the end of the day, I was tired.  I had a minor head cold.  I was annoyed with most of life.  I was sick of dealing with whining and disobedience and could you please just do what I asked you to do?  Is that so hard?  I had a conversation that was tough.

I had run out of anything good that I could possibly offer.  Defensiveness and self-righteousness were swirling throughout my mind and heart like poisons waiting to be taken all the way in.  I spin into myself so very easily.  I want what I want.  When I want it.  I don't like for things or people to get in the way, and I feel like I am right.

Last night I had a choice.  Just like every night or day or moment, really.  Do I drink the poison?  Do I let things fester in my mind, replaying circumstances and/or focusing on the negative?  Do I continue to justify the anger towards my children or anyone else?

Those things can feel good for a bit, and I'm sorry to report that I went down some of those roads.  However, in God's great love and mercy for me, he didn't leave me there.  He gently reminded me that he calls me to something better and bigger.  My tendency can be to magnify the problem and not the solution.  It would have been so easy to talk, talk, talk about the things I hadn't liked about my day.  In fact, that's what I wanted to do.

But last night, instead, I prayed.  I begged God to fix the broken places in my head and heart that need the Holy Spirit's intervention.  I've got to be honest, I did not "feel" immediately better.  I wish I had.  But, this week was not going to be a quick fix.  I'm still getting it wrong in some of the same places today.  I can't wrap this post into a neat little bow, because that is not how it feels.

I can say that God is good, and I want to spend more time talking about and thinking about him than dwelling on the problems.  As my view of God grows larger, the other stuff grows smaller.  I see myself and my sinfulness more accurately.  The rabbit hole of sin runs deep.  But, in the light of his glory, he sees Jesus when he looks at me.  Despite all of my mess, he sees me as a precious child that he purchased at great cost.

Praise be to God.  When I run out - when I'm at the end, there he is.  Waiting for me.  Waiting to be asked to move into it all.  Wanting to move for good.  For my good and his glory - always.

1 comments:

Kelcie Huffstickler said...

This is the exact same place I've been this week. My poor kids are getting a very short-tempered mommy right now. Thank you for reminding me to give it to God.