Friday, August 08, 2014

ON THE PRECIPICE: KINDERGARTEN LOOMS

I'm standing on the cliff, peering into the abyss.  I can wiggle my toes as they hang over the edge.  Once we go over, there is no return.  Nothing will ever be the same.  I don't know what all lies on the other side.  I know there will be good.  I know there will be hard.  I know there will be stretching and learning and growing.

Kindergarten starts in a little over a week.

Last year at this time, I was filled with sadness at the thought of sending my baby off to kindergarten and leaving behind, probably forever, having all of my children home with me during the days.  However, what I hinted at in that post actually did come true.  I am mostly through the grieving, and I am pleased to say that I am mostly ready.  I say "mostly" on both counts, because I am sure hiccups of sadness will come in their own time, as well as moments where I feel that we are totally unprepared.

I think this past year, and especially this summer, have shown me that having three children throughout most days will be a bit easier than having four.  And though my easiest child is the one that is leaving, there will be some relief.  I will miss her terribly, and so will Bella, Violet and William.  But, I believe it will give a little more time to Bella that will be good and possibly a bit more breathing room in general.  Our home atmosphere can sometimes be thick with needs.

But, in a little over a week, we will begin our fall schedule.  Actually, it will start in a couple of waves, as we have therapy, Mother's Day Out, Bible Study and school.  I'm excited about the routine, and a little apprehensive to see it all to fruition.  The other night, I was actually on the brink of tears for an entire evening thinking about how everything is changing.

It is hard to realize that we are beginning a whole new stage of everything.  There will be all new people for us to get to know, and that is an exciting idea, and also a slightly terrifying one.  I don't feel as if I have a lot of extra room in my heart for them just yet, but I know my heart will grow in time.

I hate the feeling of being the one that doesn't know how everything works, and just now, I have a lot to learn about how being in school works.  I am that over-eager, overly emotional, first-time kindergarten mom, and I can't really do much about it.  I am trying to get all of our ducks in a row and make sure that Lily has just the right folders and everything else.  I had a minor freak out over socks, because I realized that currently, she doesn't often wear socks with her summer shoes.  It left me wondering about what kind of socks other kids wear and what looks cute and so on.  Thankfully, when I mentioned this to John, he pulled me back from the ledge and told me to get a grip.  Her socks don't matter.  Who she is does matter.

It was a good reminder that at the end of the day, Lily has to make her own way in the world.  I can do my best to prepare and equip her, and I can pray for her.  God and Lily are in charge of everything else.

I took her school supply shopping on Tax Free weekend, which turned out to be pretty fun.  She was so excited.

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Afterwards, we got a celebratory cupcake.

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I certainly love this sweet girl of mine and will miss her dearly during the days.  It is nice to feel as if I have done my best with her in the time we've had together.  It has not been perfect by any means, but it has been good, and I'm so thankful.  We are almost ready to jump.

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