38

I turned 38 this past weekend, which is anticlimactic in a bunch of ways.  40 is crouching in wait, but I'm still prosaically making my way through my late 30s for now.  My skin definitely keeps acting its age, and I spend more time with serums and moisturizer than I ever imagined in my 20s.

38 has its charms for me.  My children are hitting that sweet spot of ages where they are more independent (mostly), but they still love to be with us.  John and I understand each other better than ever, and though we still run across many of the same issues we always have, we are equipped to address them differently due to years of experience + trial and error.

I am overall healthier than I ever have been: NOT PERFECT, but I have a better understanding of what my body needs and have realized that I feel better when I eat better and exercise and drink more water and less Diet Dr. Pepper.  It's nice to know these things and *mostly* act on them - that has taken nearly all of my 38 years to learn.  John and I have also been committed to getting the right amount of sleep over the last several months, and lo and behold, this really helps the world seem like a better place - or at least, I am able to handle it with more grace when I am rested.

Now, if you have read all of this and think that I have reached 38 with a charmed existence, you would be right and woefully wrong.  Because of my natural disposition and family of origin, I have so many advantages.  In my teenage years and even my 20s, I was able to find shortcuts for many aspects of life.  I made quick work of school and sailed into adulthood and motherhood thinking that I was smart and would be able to figure it out.

This has proven to be true and false.  Being "smart" does help in life.  I can grasp ideas and make plans and figure stuff out.  But, I have always looked for the path of least resistance, and in my real adult life, I've met a truckload of resistance on many fronts.  God has led our family into things that are infinitely harder than I imagined they would be.  They are also infinitely better, so I am not complaining.  But, as someone who thought I could hack my way through, there have been a lot more tears and rude awakenings that I envisioned.

In parenting, there are absolutely shortcuts to be had.  I don't change sheets as often as I should or require as many baths as some families might, and I make some of the same meals on rotation - can I get an amen for Taco Tuesday?  But in the nitty gritty details of raising children and addressing their complex needs that are constantly changing, there are no quick routes.  And just when I feel that I am on my feet, something knocks me over again.

I am so thankful for my marriage, because John and I truly do complement one another.  This also means we come at situations from fundamentally different places that regularly need to be reconciled.  We have to submit to one another and agree that reality usually lies in between us.  Almost 14 years deep, we have more practice, but it is never easy to lay down opinions and crawl into someone else's perspective.  It takes more humility than I naturally am gifted with, and again, there are not shortcuts to this give and take.

When John and I went out for my birthday he asked me what I knew now as a 38 year old that 37 year old Carol didn't know.  I wrote about some of those lessons this week, and I can sum it up by saying that I now understand that life is always going to be hard.  The stuff we signed up for is not easy, and truthfully, it shouldn't be.  My obsession with comfort and pleasure is not God's best for me, and the longer I live, the more I understand and grieve that.

But the work is WORTH it.  The hard is sanctifying.  The good stuff - the things that will matter in eternity and shape me to be more Christ-like - that stuff is all up-hill.  I can't hack or shortcut to it.  I can only climb, one faltering step at a time.  I can't make it happen in my own strength. I have to rely on God and others along the way.  At 38, I am finally making peace with always walking uphill, though I'm still falling and failing a lot.  And I'm learning to have fun even in the midst of the hard.

BETWEEN TWO GARDENS

Life here really is a blink.  And because life has been happening in big ways and small, I haven't sat down to process in a hot minute or month or so.  2018 held high highs and a lot of low lows.  In 2019, I feel like I have straight whiplash.  I've been to Disney parks on both ends of the country, but life in between has held a lot of rough.

A couple of weeks ago, I was down with the flu.  The week before that, a couple of kids were down with it.  We were in California the week before that.  I thought March would bring things back to normal, but I'm coming to grips (again, always) that there is always going to be a robust mix of bad with the good.

As I was writing this, I came across this friend's newest blog post - she's in the middle of her own hard - honestly, her writing put everything into sharper focus all over again.  You could probably just skip this blog post and read her encouraging words - in the midst of the hard, she's continuing to trust the Lord, and I am blown away and bolstered by the faith in the midst of her harsh diagnosis.

A few Mondays back, I finished the book It's Not Supposed to Be This Way by Lisa Terkeurst, which I know for certain was exactly what I needed to read that exact week.  Unexpected bad news is never welcome, but this particular round of it feels rather devastating.  I'm left feeling sad and uncertain and disappointed.  The way things have unfolded is not what I would have written, and I'm praying for miracles as of yet unseen.

In the book, Terkeurst refers back to the fact that we are living between two gardens with Eden on one side and Heaven on the other.  The more life goes on, the more I feel that pull.  I am someone that is regularly distracted by shiny, temporal things.  I gravitate to fun and pretty.  But life keeps pulling me towards the hard here on earth.  There is sickness and pain and broken relationships are the norm.  It is not supposed to be this way, but here we are.  I want to walk in a cool garden lined with beauty, but I don't live in a garden yet.

I think my suffering muscles are getting stronger, ever so slightly.  I feel struck down, but not defeated.  My perspective is also shifting - instead of being sucked into a cesspool of emotion and sadness, I have a bit more hope.  I KNOW that God can accomplish anything.  I also know firsthand that his ways are not our ways, and things may not turn out the way I want them to.  I don't understand all of the things that God allows or ordains.  How can I?  Would I want to be able to?

In my human emotion, I feel like I know the best story to write, but I've seen enough of God's faithfulness and much larger stories to know there is a bigger picture that I cannot see or comprehend being as finite as I am.  At the end of every day and sometimes every hour or minute, it boils down to trust.  Do I believe and trust that God is at work?  Do I believe that he is loving?

And all of God's promises are Yes and Amen.  He is always at loving work in our lives in things both big and small.  I get the chance to see that firsthand as I walk near to people in rough places and experience them myself.  And little by little, I am getting better at this "hard."  Ever so slightly and with more practice.  I am able to continue to find joy in the good gifts without completely wallowing in the other stuff while I'm between two gardens.

SPRING BREAK SO FAR

I want to be blogging more regularly again, because my brain is so full of stuff to say.  Half the time, I write an entire blog post in my mind and then forget all of it.  I can get distracted easily, and right this second, I have little peeps with me most waking hours (and some of the sleeping ones).  The joys of Spring Break.

I will say, so far, we've had a pretty great spring break.  At the last minute, we decided to head up to NW Arkansas to get out of town and enjoy time with family and friends.  This ended up being a fantastic move, and our time there was really sweet.  The weather was also gorgeous, which made everything better, and we spent a TON of time outside.

To break up our drive a tiny bit, we stopped at Devil's Den State Park, which John and I have not visited since we were newly married.  It is beautiful and a great little jaunt off of 49 if you are heading up from Central AR.  We considered doing a short hike, but instead we just played around the waterfall area, which turned out to be lovely.

From there, we drove up to see some dear friends who graciously hosted us for dinner.  The kids loved playing together, and we had a great time catching up!

Next stop, cousin central.  We stayed with my sis and bro-in-law which was a blast.  Sunday afternoon after church and lunch, we wandered around Crystal Bridges staying far away from art and enjoying the children's activities and the beautiful grounds.

We stopped at Smudgie's on our way back to Siloam which was a great idea.

And because we had not just had enough sugar, Ellen had the idea to make green waffles for dinner in honor of St. Patrick's Day, because nothing is more Irish than waffles.  Duh.  We adults used our waffles as "bread" for Monte' Cristo sandwiches which was Luke's brilliant idea.

On Monday, we spent time in Siloam enjoying the new City Lake project and the new restaurant Market 111.  As they say, "Siloam's Got It," and it really does.  Such a charming city that is so close to our hearts.

As our last hurrah for this brief trip, we stopped at Marketplace for dinner, much to our children's delight.





It was such a great way to kick off this week!  Arkansas has so many beautiful places to explore.  Since being home, we have planned fun every day to keep us occupied, and it's had highs and lows but has been mostly good, for which I am extremely grateful.

HAPPY READING

I think I said I wanted to do a book post once a month.  I see that I made it one month in a row. 🤦🏻‍♀️ February sort of chewed me up, and March has already been a bit of a wild ride.  🤷🏻‍♀️ I also haven't been able to read as much a normal, though I am starting to gain momentum in 2019, which feels good.  These are books I read in the later half of last year, and they are a lighter crop on the whole, though I am including one non-fiction read that is the opposite of light.

Several years ago, I started reading the Chief Inspector Gamache Series by Louise Penny.  There are currently 14 books, and they should be read in order.  I LOVE this series and want to move to the fictional Canadian village where they are mostly set.  It seems like a wonderful place except for the murder rate.  Anne Bogel of Modern Mrs. Darcy talks about these all the time, and she sums it up by saying that the first one is a little slow, 2 and 3 are kind of weird murders, and 4 is where is the series really hits its stride.  I love the characters, and the writing is compelling on several levels.

A super light, breezy read that I enjoyed is When Dimple Met Rishi by Sandy Menon.  This is young adult, and I appreciated the themes of identity and family woven throughout this love story and found it interesting to learn a bit more about the Indian culture in America.  And sometimes it is nice to read something without feeling like you need to scrub your brain from all the trauma throughout.

Another slightly more YA book that I loved was Amy and Roger's Epic Detour by Morgan Matson.  This one starts with some grief and that theme carries throughout, because the main character has just lost her father.  It feels like an accurate representation of what that loss entails as well as a story of learning to love in the midst of that.  I also really liked the road trip component and their first trip to a Chick-fil-A.

This is What Happy Looks Like - with a title like that, you better believe it has some happiness woven throughout, which I appreciated.  Another YA book - I didn't even realize that I had chosen three in a row until I started writing this post - this is a love story between a movie star and a small town girl that starts up unexpectedly through email.  That sounds like a cheesy premise, but the exchanges are witty, hopeful and heartbreaking.  This book kept me entertained and engaged throughout!

For something totally different, you might try The Night Circus.  I had a hard time getting into this book the first time I tried, but I went back to it, because it was narrated by the same person who read the Harry Potter audiobooks, for which I have an undying affection.  When I revisited it, I fell in love with the characters (magicians), the unique setting (a fantastical circus) and the mystery surrounding what would happen.  It takes your imagination on a journey and let's you picture beautiful concepts all along the way.  I ended up loving it!

For my final pick this round, I highly recommend A Grace Disguised.  I think this is the best book I've ever read that addresses grief and loss.  In one car accident, the author loses his mother, his wife and his young daughter and is left as a widower to raise his remaining three children.  These are his reflections written about 3 years after the accident, and it is beautifully full of trust in the Lord in the midst of horrific pain.  It was a challenging read for me, because I am pain averse, but my counselor recommended this, and it turned out to be one of my most meaningful reads of 2018.

So that's my latest round up!  Mostly happy with a giant dose of sad there at the end.  Let me know your latest favorites!

DAFFODIL TALES

Every year, it is on my mental bucket list to go to Wye Mountain to see the daffodils as a family.  I'm gonna give y'all a little inside peek into what this little family pilgrimage entails.



All children are in school, and as of last week, three out of four are playing soccer.  This means we are balancing limited time windows on weeknights and weekends.  There is a narrow window of time to make it to the field.  The mountain is about 30 minutes from our house.  The weather this time of year is notoriously unpredictable, meaning yesterday we had tornado sirens blaring in the morning but the most beautiful afternoon imaginable.



John and I come at things differently, which is such a gift in our marriage.  Also, it makes some things harder.  So, as we look at our weekend, we are navigating about a million activities/desires/hopes that all need to be fit into two days.  Some things are set in stone, but then John and I are negotiating the rest of the details.  Our four children also make their opinions known, though we regularly override them.



In my head, going to Wye Mountain should be this magical experience for us all where we skip through the daffodils and happen to capture beautiful photos that I will treasure forever.  In John's head, we are going to get pictures, and he is going to do his best to make it work, because he knows that photos are my love language.  But, he is trying to balance a lot of things, and are we really going to change clothes 3 times on a Sunday to make this work as well as rush around like crazy people?

I want him to be as legitimately excited about the experience as I am, and he wants me to be happy that he is working hard to make it all work.  By the way, this sums up a lot of things for us.  I bring all the sunshine, and he brings the SPF.  Both are equally necessary, but we also both wish the other could see things the way we do.

(mini-daffodils!)

Obviously, this is not our first rodeo.  And because some stuff got canceled this weekend, we had fewer anticipated wardrobe changes and less hustling.  This meant that we did actually enjoy strolling through the field.

We did learn that the giant tree in the middle of the field was taken down last summer by hurricane force winds - crazy!  And so sad.

And because we went on the weekend, there was food and a petting zoo!  The kids devoured funnel cake and cotton candy and loved feeding the goats.

It's been a really emotional week, and as we were wrapping up our time there, my eyes filled with tears of gratitude.  Some moments and times really are gifts, and I count it joy when our family is together and enjoying life.  I'm also super thankful for a husband that is willing to make my daffodil dreams come true even when I am a little crazy.

Right after my tears, we had tears from a kid that were less grateful and more entitled when they were told NO to getting a drink.  Said child then started running away.  So glad my kids keep me tethered to reality.  But I am thankful that we were able to make this work this year.  It gets harder every year as the amount of activity and responsibility increases.  That will likely plateau at some point, but we're not there yet.

And, it is unbelievable to realize this is my 9th time to post about a trip to Wye Mountain!  Here's a trip down memory lane - I got a little weepy just looking through these and seeing how little the kids were.  Truthfully, I don't miss a lot about those days, but they were super adorable!

{2018} {2017} {2016} {2015} {2014} {2013} {2012} {2011}