Friday, January 31, 2020

IT'S BEEN A HARD YEAR

A few nights ago, I hosted a group in my home, and I exchanged the usual pleasantries with people as they entered.  I knew these people well and didn't have the energy to be anything but honest, so when someone asked how I was, I said,

"I'm okay.  It's been a hard year."

This person pointed out that we were only a few weeks into 2020, and we both laughed, because that does make my statement seem a bit dramatic.  However, this never-ending January has seemed to deal blow after blow, and it's ending with a bang.  There have been enough notable things to mark any year, and instead of graciously spreading themselves out, these things have marched through in the span of days and weeks. ðŸĪŊ

This month I also sprained my wrist during one of my ice-skating lessons while I was trying to learn how to spin.  Obviously, that's a really valuable skill for any 38 year old mother of four to have. ðŸĪĢ  It's the first real injury that I can remember having, probably because I am not the least bit athletic and never participated in any kind of team sports.  When it happened, I knew it was bad.  I could tell it was probably not broken, but it also hurt a lot.  In that moment, I downplayed it.  I didn't want my instructors to feel any worse, and I joined Bella on the ice for the free-skating portion of our time as if everything was fine.  I didn't want to raise any alarms, even though I could barely unlace my skates and driving home was tricky.

For the next week, I mostly pretended everything was fine.  I took a lot of ibuprofen and expected the bad bruising that began to show up.  It's my right hand, so using it hurt, but you can figure a lot of things out when you have to.  I threw a Waffle Fry Party and hosted my parents and brushed hair and did the dishes.  All the normal things.  And all of it hurt.

When I was at Book Club this week, I showed it to a friend that's a Physical Therapist, and she was a bit horrified by the swelling and bruising that remained over a week after the injury.  She chided me for my total lack of action towards healing.  I naively assumed that it would just eventually get better.  And, it would, eventually.  However, after wearing a brace for a couple of days and icing it, I am seeing a LOT more improvement.

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After all that we've taken in during January, I feel like I'm emotionally sprained.  Nothing is so broken as to require casting or immediate care, but everything inside hurts.  There are so many tender subjects inside my mind that my thoughts are having a hard time navigating it all without my brain screaming out in pain.  Because of the kind of news and the ways that those situations impact me, I can sometimes pretend like things are okay.  I can distract or zone out.  I can get a pedicure or my favorite food.  But ultimately, this is just a season of grief.

I have a natural inclination to avoid all types of pain - going so far as total denial as a coping mechanism.  For better and worse, my adulthood has led me through some difficult paths, and I've learned how to walk through pain, but it still goes against the grain.  I don't want to need a brace or ice or medicine for my feelings.  I want it to all be okay.  I want to live in a world that is not broken.  My longing for heaven only gets stronger each day.  Nothing is fair.

It's been an excellent reminder that I never wanted about how often we are all walking around, going about our normal lives, broken up into pieces on the inside.  This week, my car battery died, and because of that, I couldn't get Violet to a doctor's appointment exactly on time, and it ended up being canceled on us, though we would have only been 15 minutes late.  It was a frustrating situation for any day or week or month.  But I was devastated and so angry.  It took every bit of reserve and Holy Spirit to not yell horrible things at the receptionist who was bearing this news.  I knew I was having an extreme overreaction, and I wanted to explain about how hard everything feels, but it doesn't (and shouldn't) matter to her.  I got off the phone as quickly as possible and dissolved into tears and managed to move past it, because at the end of the day, that stupid appointment will happen eventually, and it will be fine.  My anger was not about the appointment.

So unlike my wrist, I am not pretending like everything is fine.  I've upped my counseling appointments for the foreseeable future.  I have dramatically cut back on cookie orders.  I've let myself off of any imaginary hooks that I don't actually need to do.  I've looked at my calendar to book extra sitters to help, because we just need it right now.  I did a yoga class.  I'm exercising and sleeping and journaling and praying and all the things that I know are healthy.  My counselor was really encouraging about how I am using all the tools that I have, and it does feel good to know that even though I am a little crushed, I am not defeated.

If 2020 has been a rough start for you as well, I'm sorry.  There are a lot of sucky things in life that are far outside of our control.  And sometimes I'm not that great at the stuff I have some control over. This is a reminder to give ourselves some grace.  If we are wounded, we shouldn't pretend that we aren't - that is no way to heal.  Because many of the situations that are grieving me now will be ongoing, I don't feel like I necessarily get to "heal."  But, I get to move forward and find joy along the way.  I get to see the Lord at work in both the good and the hard, which I have to hope that he is making good, even when I can't see it.  I get to join hands with family and friends as we navigate tricky waters, and I'm holding on tight to them.

Here's to February and new beginnings and new grace for each day.  That's another thing I've been working on: taking things one day at a time.  God's mercies are new every morning, and in his faithfulness, he's always provided the strength that I've need each day so far.  I'm trusting that he's good for it.  One day at a time.

Sunday, January 26, 2020

LILY'S WAFFLE FRY PARTY

Something I never saw coming was having a daughter who prefers to be known as "Waffle Fry."  So when it came time to plan her shindig this year, there was only one theme that really made sense.

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We sent out invites that my sis graciously designed.

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As the years have gone on, I have gotten a bit better about doing simpler parties, and this one was pretty straightforward: Chick-fil-A breakfast and as many waffle fries as your heart desires plus a bunch of toppings, including all the normal CFA condiments, plus nacho cheese and bacon bits.  We also gave everyone the option of getting IceDream to dip their waffle fries into.  It's sneaky good.

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The best part was that Lily was super happy about the whole thing from top to bottom, which makes it totally worth it.

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We had sweet friends and family there to celebrate, and everyone ate while we also did Waffle Fry Trivia.

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Every grandmother was in attendance, which felt special.

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We sang "Happy Birthday" and cut into the Waffle Fry cake.  Those are cookies that I made to look like waffle fries, and even I was amazed at how realistic they looked!

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We sent everyone on their way with Waffle Fry Notebooks and Pens.  There are some perks to having access to the CFA merch catalogue.

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I cannot believe that Lily is 11!  We love celebrating her special quirkiness.

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Here are Lily's past parties!

{10 YEAR BIRTHDAY TRIP}
{9- Golden Birthday}
{8 - Pancakes & Pajamas}
{7 - Lego Party}
{6 - Butterflies at Painted Pig}
{5- Princess Party}
{4- Horse Party}
{3- Panda-monium}
{2- Crayon Party}

Wednesday, January 15, 2020

2020 SO FAR

So far, 2020 has been a doozy.  Christmas brought a lot of good and hard, and we definitely came into the new year still recovering.  We rang it in with dear friends, and I must say, I do not know what we would do without our people.  It feels that they are often what God uses to keep us propped up, and I'm always so grateful for them.

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Also, can we believe it is 2020???  No, I cannot.  I originally started this blog in 2007, which was now a full 13 years ago.  In most ways, it does feel that long ago, because, hello - a lot has happened.  But, in other ways, wasn't it just 2010?  I digress.  This is what I've been up to so far in 2020.

- I've been organizing photos a lot.  It is a sort of coping mechanism, and the only thing in my life that I have managed to stay on top of for years.  So, I sort and keep putting photos into albums.  It's also a great way to re-live and be grateful for sweet moments and trips.

- I've been grieving.  We got some hard news last week, and I am trying to make sense of it and let God work his peace in my heart.  This means I have cried a lot and also been angry.  What a way to start the year.

- I've been researching skincare and have adopted a 10 step Korean skincare routine, inspired by Jamie B. Golden.  Also - why is my last name not Golden?  Some things in life are unfair.  Back to skincare.  I turn 39 in a few months, and I have to say, I like most things about aging.  But I do not like it when my skin keeps changing, and I would like to do my part to keep it as nice as possible.  I fully cleaned out my bathroom drawers and realized that I had many of the steps already and only needed to purchase a couple of things.  And now I warn John every time I come into the living room wearing a face mask, because he is always so startled by them.

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- I've been helping the girls with their Science Fair projects.  If doing one is bad, doing two is definitely worse.  However, I have learned a few things along the way, so I now have a better understanding of what it takes to get from Point A to Point B.  And, we finished them this weekend!  ðŸ™ŒðŸŧ

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- I've been keeping a Gratitude Journal.  This is due to Laura Kelly of PitterPatter Art, who I got to know and love at Camp Create.  You can get all the details on the highlights of her Instagram Stories, and I went all in with the Sprocket Printer and Moleskine.  So far, I am really loving it.  I didn't know how much I would need gratitude this year when I started it, but I can see the Lord's provision in guiding me in this direction.  Every day, I print out a mini-picture and write out the things I'm grateful for that day.  Nothing revolutionary, but even as I make a habit of it, I can see my thoughts being trained in that direction, which is really helpful.

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- I also started a Chronological Bible Reading Plan in conjunction with several friends.  Having discipline in anything is not really my strong suit, so I am hoping this is another practice I can keep up daily.  It helps having friends do it as well, as with all things in life.

- I've been on social media less, and this has been a long time coming.  I had been addicted to my phone, specifically to Instagram, and the easy, mindless escape that scrolling and swiping provides.  It also endlessly provided me with shopping options - just Swipe Up! 😎  In an attempt to take back my time and be able to complete my own thoughts, I took a few days completely off, and I intend to take more regular breaks to get some air and keep it in its proper place in my life.  I love being able to connect with people, but I do not like how distracting it had become for me.

- I've been working on our 2020 schedule.  There are a lot of moving parts in our life, and sometimes, I have to wrestle with our calendar a bit to make it all work.

I have never liked New Year Resolutions, because it "feels" cliche to me, and I want to "feel" like I am already doing awesome at everything. 😆  Obviously, I'm not.  And the New Year is as good a time as any to try out some new habits that will pay dividends in my life.

Hope you're able to start your roaring 20s with hope and peace as you move forward.

Thursday, January 09, 2020

LILY IS 11

And before we realized it would even be possible, we have an 11 year old in the house!

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Lily is expressive and quirky and prefers to go by the moniker of "Waffle Fry." 😆😂ðŸĪŠ

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We continue to be amazed by the person that Lily is becoming.  She is sensitive and kind and helpful.  If you need a girl to plan out something and trouble-shoot what might go wrong, she's your gal.  She is witty, and you never know what one-liner she's going to shoot about whatever situation we're in.

She LOVES to travel, enjoys playing the piano and is definitely a Carb-ivore.  Lily is a fantastic big sister and helps with homework and freely gives out hugs.  Legos are still a passion for her, and she can spend hours in our Lego room arranging and building and re-arranging.  She loves Jesus and learning more about him, and I am always amazed at the ways her faith is deepening.  She wants to wear t-shirts and sweatpants all the time on repeat, and I have to force her to let me wash the clothes she wants to wear daily.  Also, the pony-tail is her signature hair style.

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Last night, we celebrated her birthday at one of her favorite restaurants, the Marketplace Grill in Conway.  We have a Waffle Fry party in the works, but I will say, a birthday the week after New Year's is hard to get together in a timely way. 😎 It'll be a few more weeks away.

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John and I took her lunch today where she requested large Waffle Fries.  Obviously.  She is our very favorite oldest daughter, and I'm so thankful for the years we've had with her.

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Happy 11!

Past birthday posts here:
{3rd Birthday} {4th Birthday} {5th Birthday} {6th Birthday}
{7th Birthday} {8th Birthday} {9th Birthday} {10th Birthday}