2020 TAKEAWAYS

 "What a year," said everyone everywhere.  I won't belabor the ick this year has held.  Everyone knows it.  As I was thinking back, I realized I do have some key takeaways that I thought I'd share here to have forever in memorandum.  These are in no particular order of importance.

1. Get the X-Ray, Get the Colonoscopy. - As a family, we broke 4 bones this year, and by the last one, even though everything was moving, I just knew we needed an X-ray.  Before this year, I always would have been the one to wait and see, watch and hope.  Sometimes that works, but this year, that never works.  I've learned how to deal with the actual issues at hand (like how the hand is probably broken).  I won't go into all the ways this philosophy also applies to colonoscopies, but you're gonna have to trust me.  It does.

2.  Mute the Person.  My social media feeds happen to be very diverse politically, and usually, this serves me well.  However, this year, it felt like a minefield.  After yet another round of doom scrolling and subsequent anger, John was like, "Why are you still reading any of it?"  Right then, I took an aggressive muting strategy, and I have felt much better about life.  This does not mean that I am ignoring the other "side" of issues, but it means that I am no longer angry about what real life people I know think about them.  I am better off not knowing so that I can keep valuable relationships in tact, as well as my sanity.  That choice is mine, and it paid immediate dividends.  And since we're talking about this, Don't Read the Comments.  They are always the worst and never make you feel good about anything,

3.  Most Things We Do With People Revolve Around Food. This is more of an observation than a major takeaway.  I guess I took this for granted, because we've never before been in a situation where we needed to mask to be with people.  However, most of the things we all do together usually involve a menu.  I am very much looking forward to a post vaccine world where we no longer have to move eating outside and/or 6 feet apart. 

4. Do What Your Family Needs to Do.  Some people realized this year that they needed to slow down.  We realized that we need almost every bit of the activity to which we were accustomed, because we have a lot of needs, some of them more specialized than average families.  We need help, and because we are not super high risk for Covid complications, after the first six weeks, we realized that we needed to get back to having sitters and tutors and in person schooling as soon as possible.  Our mental health was very much at stake, and I do not say that lightly.  I felt super conflicted about the decisions that we were making that many people may not have understood.  My counselor kindly pointed out to me that this is part of growing up.  You gotta make the decisions for your own family, because you are the only ones who fully understand your life and have to live with your choices.  And this year with limited options, we all had to make choices, and they didn't necessarily line up with some of what even our nearest and dearest might be doing.  However, that doesn't mean that they weren't the best choices for our family in our circumstances.  

4a.  And since we're on this subject, this year I also fully embraced You Don't Have to Tell the Internet About Everything You Do.  Again, we are all mostly doing the best we can with what we're working with.  If I don't want to worry about what "people" will think about what we are doing, I don't have to share anything about it.  What freedom to just go radio silent online for weeks at a time.  Normally I like living as an open book, but since everything seems up for misinterpretation this year, skipping the sharing often felt right.

5. We Also Have to Take Care of Others.  As a Christian, this year felt particularly crushing.  It has been divisive and frustrating to say the very least.  It has been difficult to listen to some Americans elevate their rights over all other things.  I am tired of people urging others not to "live in fear" when there is a very real pandemic that is killing our vulnerable neighbors and straining our healthcare system.  Taking Covid precautions feels much less about living in fear and much more about being loving neighbors.  Although we have certainly not lived this out perfectly, we are working to wear masks, limit gatherings and distance wherever possible.

6. Trips Matter.  Gosh, this year has been such a disappointing one on the travel front.  We were *this* close to a Disney cruise, and we had several other things cancelled, like so many we know.  This is a problem of privilege, I am fully aware.  Travel has always been one of our favorite hobbies and escapes, and when it seemed to dry up completely, I was sad sad sad.  The whole year had to be reimagined as far as what "fun" would look like and what our family "needed."  So we took different trips with different purposes, mostly closer to home.  To be honest, we actually ended up having some great experiences that were totally unexpected and un-orchestrated and what we needed this year within the constraints of our current reality.  All in all, I'm so thankful for the trips we were able to make, even if they are not the ones we had planned.

7.  Take Care of Yourself.  I actually feel like I am currently living in low battery mode.  I'm a little dim, and everything seems to take extra energy.  However, though it has taken me almost a full 40 years, I have finally learned the true value of getting the sleep I need.  Exercising regularly has never been a problem for me, but this year, it became a lifeline just to get out of the house.  And sleeping 8 hours almost every night has been borderline nonnegotiable.  Also, Give Yourself a Break.  Recognizing that I am in low battery mode from the whole "surviving a pandemic as a parent" thing, I've had to let a lot of things slide.  Is my house extra organized from all our time at home? Umm, no, quite the opposite.  Have I learned a new skill?  Or even done the skills that I like doing and am good at?  (RIP 2020 Cookie Life) Have I done much beyond our basic survival? No, I have not.  And that's okay.  My children and husband know they are loved, and we have eaten every day.  Right now, those feel like massive wins, and I'm gonna celebrate, probably with more take out.  There will be other seasons for skills.

8. Let Them Watch TV.  I guess this could actually have been under the banner of Take Care of Yourself, but I'm gonna break it out.  We went to a new parenting therapist smack dab in the middle of May when no one knew up from down.  When we, through masks and tears, explained some of the issues we were dealing with, she said, "Let them watch TV."  We have always limited screen time, and I think I was fairly prideful about that.  But this year, with nothing normal and all bets off and NOTHING to do and NO ONE to do it with, we were crumbling.  And we were fighting a losing battle that started at 5:15ish most mornings.  This incredibly kind person took that pressure off of us for this year and said that a little (okay, a lot) more TV will not hurt them.  Our relationship is more likely to be damaged by the fights, and we adults need to sleep past 5:15.  This is not a forever season.  It was the permission we needed to take care of ourselves and know that our kiddos will not suffer permanently.  At least, if we have to choose suffering, and apparently we do this year, we should suffer more screen time and less screaming time.  Once we got back to school, some of this naturally righted itself, though we are still more permissive with screen time than we were pre-Covid.  Again, there will be a season for less screen time, and this is not it.

9.  Recognize Reality for What It Is.  This may seem so basic, but I tend to paint everything with a rosy tint.  I am glass half full and pie in the sky and rainbows and all that.  I have been disoriented all year trying to make sense of reality and wondering where the rainbows are.  The truth is, the rainbows are there, but they are harder to come by for now.  We've had a hell of a lot of rain.  Letting myself grieve the reality of circumstances without totally succumbing to despair has felt tricky at best and impossible at worst.  We have SO MANY GOOD GIFTS in our life.  We have the best friends and supportive family, and we are well resourced, which I do not take for granted in a year like this when so many have struggled professionally.  We also have some true sadness and pain that accompanies our daily life.  Both realities are true.  This year, I've done a gratitude journal every day, which has helped me reach towards positivity when I've wanted to crumble.  I'm also about to complete a full Bible read-through that I've done with The Bible Recap this year.  Who knew when I started both of these disciplines in January how necessary they would be to combat our current reality?

10.  Laughter Really is the Best Medicine. Plus Getting Outside. And also Chicken.  This year I found and shared close to 300 memes related to 2020.  I found that laughing and sharing laughter with others really did help.  Another quick fix- going outdoors.  If you really are having as much screen time as we were some days, this made a big difference for all of us.  Chicken must also be good medicine, because we never slowed down at CFA, for which I am extremely grateful.  Running a restaurant (or 2!) in a pandemic is not for the faint of heart, and we are crawling to the finish line.  However, I am thankful for the income and the opportunity to take CFA to people in our life who come down with Covid.  At this point, I've dropped off a lot of dinners. 😳

These are just a few of my major takeaways - here's to a better 2021!

BLACK LIVES STILL MATTER

 I haven't blogged much this year, because I've mostly been surviving.  It's been a disappointing year on so many fronts, but nearing the top of the list for me has to be watching evangelical Christians become politically zealous in ways that seem not to honor the Lord.  This was distressing to me in the run up to the 2016 election as well, and it has continued in fervor and depth.  Social media in particular has felt like a dumpster fire of opinions, and I've watched in sadness as I've seen believers place a political leaning over grace, kindness, love, truth, empathy, compassion, and the list goes on.  Not only that, but many believers have done this using the Bible as a justification and a weapon.

I grew up as a conservative Evangelical Christian.  I understand the talking points and culture.  I used to believe that all Christians should have the same political beliefs, because of conservative values and pro-life and small government and so on.  The older I've gotten and the more of life that I've seen, the more I see that there are other perspectives that can ring true even inside of my faith.  My faith has continued to deepen, because my need for Christ remains constant.  I am more convinced than ever of my own depravity and shortcomings and blind spots and the ways that all of those play out as I seek to apply faith to politics.

A large part of this journey has come through our personal interactions with social justice issues, particularly racial justice.  (Here's a blog post I wrote about this in June)  As I've mentioned, this whole season has been difficult, and watching Americans disagree vociferously on the history of our country and the bearing that history has on our present has felt like we are living in some kind of twilight zone.  We, as Americans, oppressed and enslaved people for centuries, almost exclusively on the basis of race.  The idea of that leaving no legacy in the present is truly baffling.  Our current laws were passed within the lifetime of many people who are still very much alive.  

Even more disappointingly is the more recent learnings that I've had regarding the Church and the ways it has upheld these systems of oppression over time.  I read The Color of Compromise this summer which was an eye opening look at the way southern Christians used the Bible to justify slavery and kept using it to bolster segregation.  It feels that we are now witnessing the next phase where Christians are using it to denounce racial justice initiatives as anti-Biblical or Marxist.  Or to simply say that it is unAmerican and disrespectful for people to be upset in a country where they have so much.  There seems to be no protest that can please white Americans, and that is sort of the point.  It is a protest.

Listen, I love America and am so thankful to live here.  Truly.  However, I'm not going to put our country or flag above my allegiance to Christ and his kingdom.  I am called to love God and love my neighbors first and foremost.  And my Black neighbors are crying out and lamenting injustice.  I love America enough to want to make it actually a place that is good for all people that live here.  I believe that means fully recognizing and embracing our incredibly racist roots and working to upend the places where those seeds still grow and flourish.  As a side note, I am not a Socialist/Marxist/Communist.  We own a family business and appreciate Capitalism.  However, none of the good things we have here are without flaws.

I understand that many Christians are afraid.  Because they keep saying they are scared or they keep encouraging others to be afraid if such and such doesn't happen or so and so doesn't get elected.  So much has happened in the past year, and so much of it is confusing.  There is hypocrisy on all sides, and it is difficult to know where to find "unbiased" reporting in our country, because most major news outlets have very specific slants.  Even when they claim otherwise.  Anytime I find myself dwelling on fear, I try to center myself on Christ and the fact that this world is ultimately not my home.  I am found in him, and even if all else falls apart completely, I am not lost.

Our family does happen to be transracial, and so it is personal to us.  When we say Black Lives Matter, we are saying that our black kids matter just as much as our white kids, even though that has consistently been up for debate in society.  I will say it today and tomorrow and years from now if necessary to work to right the wrongs that have taken place here.  We can embrace a movement while also knowing it is flawed, because we are all broken people working within broken systems.  It is easier to debate theories than to engage in the work of dismantling systems or do the work it takes to recognize how racism has undergirded our society.

I'm not saying this is easy or straightforward.  It is exhausting.  But I believe it is holy work, and I am thankful that the Lord continues to show up as we walk this journey.  It has forced me to really examine policies and issues in different ways.  For example, I have always and will continue to identify as Pro-Life.  I believe that advocating for increased racial awareness for me comes out of that sentiment.  I heard someone say "Womb to Tomb" and thought that a helpful way to sum it up.  That said, I believe that reducing abortions can come about with several different kinds of policies and that there should be more conversations about birth control access and healthcare reform, both of which have been proven to decrease unwanted pregnancies and abortion.  I wish that we could have discussions that take a more holistic look at what is happening rather than demonizing anyone who doesn't agree exactly with us or do exactly as we would prescribe.

I write all of this humbly, knowing that I have blindspots that I haven't even discovered yet.  I am in process and working to submit myself before the Lord as I wrestle through these issues.  I know this post will hit people in a lot of different ways, and I ask for grace on all sides, because I know that so many of us are working to find our way through this.  We all come to situations with a unique blend of conviction, personality, and personal experience, and this is where I am currently landing based on those things in my life.  I do hope as Christians that we can find ways to respect one another and disagree graciously, because the world is watching.  And if we don't have love, then we don't have anything.

WALKING THE MINEFIELD OF 2020

I'm exhausted.  You are probably exhausted, too, whoever you are that might be reading this.  This year is on my last nerve, and we just passed the half way mark.  I am not prone to anxiety, and I've felt it creeping in as I contemplate the next six five months (I started writing this at the beginning of the month and am only now finishing it) that include a continuing pandemic and a contentious election.  I spent a little time scrolling Facebook and realized that so many people are screaming, scathing or sarcastic.

I feel it too.  I want to yell and scream about the things that matter to me.  I want to be understood.  I want people to consider that maybe, just maybe, they may be wrong.  This includes myself.  I want to walk this life with humility, understanding that there are a billion things I need to learn about, and I want to be able to change my position as I receive new information.

It feels impossible to get this year right, because so much is still unknown.  And I'm angry about it.  I've been really open about the fact that quarantining just about did our family in.  That said, I understand the continued need to physical distance and use masks.  We are still neck deep in this virus that is probably not going to kill you or me, but the sheer volume of people getting sick and the lack of effective treatments mean that we need to continue to slow it down.

That said, we are working to normalize as much as possible for our children and taking calculated risks.  Our big girls went to camp, and we all went to family camp earlier this summer.  We went to the beach.  We've been taking precautions and using masks and distancing, but I know we are still taking risks.  We can and will distance from anyone in our circle that is more vulnerable.  We want to stop the spread.  But we also must advance our mental health that has suffered greatly this year.

We'll be sending our kiddos to school in the fall, doing a mix of in-person and virtual with the big girls, whatever that looks like, and in-person for the twins who fall into the category of necessitating in-person instruction.  I am praying fervently for our teachers and school administrators who are tasked with something impossible.  None of us have ever done this, and it is certainly not one size fits all.  And I'm prepared for them to come home again if that is what ends up happening as seems highly possible.

I guess as I rant and rave through the minefield that is this year, I hope and pray that we can offer grace to one another and to ourselves.  How can we love each other well during a time that is hard on everyone?  To my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, I would humbly ask how we can put other's needs ahead of our own?  If I feel like I "need" to go to the beach, then I also need to wear a mask to protect others from any possible exposure I might encounter.  If I am taking risks, then I want to protect those around me.  I would likely be fine getting Covid, but so many around me might not be.

None of us is getting this perfect.  It is so easy to scroll through social media and pick apart what people are doing, especially when you don't know even a quarter of the story.  Or if you do know part of the story and disagree with it, as is often the case, it's easy to deride someone in your own mind.  But I can't change what that person is doing.  I am responsible for me, and my family and our attitudes.  Criticism is easy.  Leading and making choices and living is much harder.

I want to make choices that take me from being the critic to the questioner.  From the screamer to the soother.  For me, that's only possible in God's grace, and even then, it's an uphill battle.  Especially to my fellow believers in Christ, let's look for ways to lead with love, instead of fear-mongering and twisting of "truth" on all sides.  Let's not allow the relational fall-out from Covid be worse than the lives lost.  Cheers to loving better and listening more.  And just being quiet when we can't be kind.

QC: WHAT IT'S BEEN LIKE

I haven't blogged much, because surviving was the norm for a while.  I haven't felt like pretending things were okay.  I'm starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel, or at least, I feel like we are turning on lamps and figuring out how to make this new normal work for our family.



The quarantine time has been hard for our family.  (I wrote this post on grief 1.5 weeks in which is almost laughable now, because I thought it was just going to be a matter of some hard weeks. hahahaha)  I heard one person say that we are all in the same storm, but we are all in different boats, and that metaphor resonated with me.  Truthfully, we have a rather nice boat, and I'm so thankful.  And we haven't sunk yet, so there is that.  But, our crew poses some unique challenges, and at times, it has felt like we've had a mutiny on our hands.

I would guess many of us have gained clarity during this time on a great many things in our lives.  I've heard some people welcome the slow down and extra time granted as a family.  What we've realized is that we have worked hard over the past several years to structure our lives in a way that serves our family, and in most ways, that was working well for us.  We had the right amount of activity and most of the support we needed.  Until we didn't.

They say it takes a village to raise kids.  We need a metroplex.

When everything stopped suddenly, we were left pretty bare.  Some kids did fine with the distance learning model, though it was still taxing and not ideal.  Other kiddos struggled mightily to work outside of the classroom.  I, personally, was never meant to be both the parent and the teacher, especially when parenting well takes every bit of me and then some.  When I dropped my kids off for school on March 12th, I had no idea that would be the last time they would all be at the same school.

We've all lost so much, and it feels a little wrapped in trauma for me.  We cannot play the "Loss Olympics," because, collectively, no one's life is what we thought it would be at the beginning of the year.  We lost the end of Lily's elementary school career, and all the closing ceremonies that would have brought with it.  We have LOVED her school experience, and to have it suddenly ripped away was hard.  And we loved each of the teachers the other kids had, and it hurts to not finish the year together.  When I picked up their stuff from school, I drove away sobbing.

It's like there are now two tracks running in my head all of the time.  There is the 2020 we had planned with school and trips and "normal life."  And there is the 2020 we are all living in now full of uncertainty.  What will school look like in the fall?  What sort of travel will be possible when?  Will the numbers keep rising indefinitely?  The specter of the 2020 that never will be sometimes still haunts me.  I think of the things we would have been doing on certain dates, and we now have an all new line up.  With a lot more travel insurance should we need to cancel everything once again.  And we have masks for whenever we go out into public.

It's been a good reminder that our plans are not really ours.  Working to submit myself to the 2020 reality and trusting that it is God's ultimate best for us has been difficult.  It is forcing us to make changes that we wouldn't have made otherwise, and I can see that those will probably be better for our family.  But they are still largely unknown, and I know how good some of what we will give up is.  It's stretching us past breaking points.  We are broken.  And there are no easy fixes, and I don't know which roads to take at each juncture.  That said, we are moving forward, and I am thankful for that.



I feel like I am currently a Grief Scratch and Sniff.  Things can look like they are okay on the outside for a little bit, but if the surfaces gets scratched at all, grief comes out.  I'm still in counseling, and we are continuing to work to get the help we need.  I know that some healing will come with time, but there is also the recognition that this is an extremely hard season.  With no end date.  I know some people have had it much harder and some people much easier - again - this isn't the Loss Olympics, it's just our experience over here.  Speaking of Olympics, there is another thing lost in the vortex of the 2020 that will never be.

There's not a happy wrap up bow to put on all this.  It's the messy middle of it all, and I am praying the Lord will continue to grant us wisdom and grace as we walk this version of 2020.

BLACK LIVES MATTER

I've been radio silent on the internet for about a month and even longer on the blog.  To say that 2020 has walloped me upside the head and deep into my heart would be an understatement.  There have been hard diagnoses in our family.  There has been the pandemic and subsequent quarantine that took away our support system and routines and left us isolated and a bit undone.  I've been battling situational depression and trying to find a way through our days.  It's been a lot and then some.

But here we are in June, and the race conversation has reached a fever pitch and groundswell that cannot and SHOULD NOT be ignored.  George Floyd's death and Breonna Taylor's and Ahmaud Arbery's have brought Black Lives Matter back to the forefront of everyone's attention.  There are protests and round the clock news coverage that switched from the ongoing depressing cycle of Coronavirus to conversations centered on race and talking heads debating why black men and women are still getting killed at the hands of police.  Or at the hands of vigilantes who are then not prosecuted by our justice system.  I know I am recapping the obvious, and unless you are living in a hole (which sounds pretty great right now), none of this is new info.  

When we stepped into being a transracial family over 7 years ago, we quickly realized that we had a lot of educating we needed to do for ourselves.  We became more intentional to ask questions of the people of color in our life and to seek out more voices of people who come from different backgrounds.  We got to know the family we had adopted into, and we have learned so much from the twins' grandmother who attended Central High and knows members of the Little Rock Nine personally, because she closely followed their footsteps.  I've diversified my social media feeds, though this is something I am still actively working on.  We've read books and listened to podcasts and watched documentaries.

We acknowledged our white privilege years ago.  (Here are posts I wrote back in 2014 and 2016) I am not trying to make us sound more "woke" than we are.  We are still working to dismantle the racism and prejudices and biases that live within us.  It's hard work to humbly understand the role our whiteness has played in our success, and it is devastating to realize that we have two children who will not be protected under our privilege umbrella throughout their lives because their skin is beautifully darker than our's.  I do not feel guilty about being white, but I understand that whiteness in our country can and has been weaponized.  I'm saddened to say that I was not shocked by these deaths occurring in our country.  I am angrier than ever before, and I'm grieving, but I moved past shock years ago.

I realize that so far, I've made this post about our family's journey.  I wanted to show that learning about race and privilege is a journey.  A marathon.  A lifestyle.  It's not something to do only while it's trending.  It's more than posting a black box on social media to make sure everyone knows that you do care about black people dying.  And if you are tired of hearing about racism, imagine how tired people must be of experiencing it? (paraphrased off an instagram quote I saw)

What I have so appreciated through this round of national racial conversations is the way so many white people have begun to understand that we need to listen.  We need to reflect.  Is slavery our fault?  No, but it informs our current reality, so to discount those centuries of oppression is to ignore our real history and context that adds depth and breadth to the anger we're seeing and experiencing.  

So now what?  This is the question I hear friends asking, and it's a good one.  Now that we are awake to the systemic racism, now what?  We are having conversations with those in our circle about this issue, and as of this weekend, we have attended our first protest as a family.  I must say this was an experience that resonated with me on several levels.  I realized that I've not had many reasons to protest in my life, which means that mostly, systems work for me, an upper-middle class white lady.  There is also something very intentional about attending a protest - we took time to write out signs, which meant really trying to figure out what we wanted to say and taking the time to say it.  We explained to our kids what we were doing and why.  (We also loaded up a backpack full of snacks, treats and drinks, because it was over 90 degrees and at dinner time.)  It felt a little weird to pull up and unload, and because of the racial makeup of our family, it always feels like we draw a few more looks.  But, people smiled, and there was so much solidarity in the togetherness (while most of us were wearing masks, because what a delight that all of this is happening during a global pandemic).  

It was also a reminder of the nuance and listening that is still required.  Honestly, I didn't necessarily "agree" with all of the signs that I saw.  And as certain people were talking, I realized that I wasn't "comfortable" with everything being communicated.  However, it has pushed me to do more research - to learn what it might mean to rethink the role of police in our society and how funds could be shifted around to address the real needs of our communities and to listen to the people this is affecting negatively.  Again, the system has worked for me, but that does NOT mean that it is working.

We will continue to broaden our circle and have hard conversations that require humility and being uncomfortable.  We attend a predominantly Black church once a quarter to give ourselves and our bio kids the opportunity to experience being the minority every once in a while and to have a greater understanding of Black Christian culture in our city.  We work with an incredibly diverse population that feels keenly and strongly about everything going on.  John has spent a lot of time listening and dialoguing with members of our team, which has continued to open our eyes.  We are still learning so much.  It's super messy, but I am hopeful that real change is possible.  I can't speak to all that should look like, but I am hopeful that examining the systems and mechanics of what got us here will allow us to bring more accountability and change.  

I've seen lots of people scared to post anything for fear of getting it wrong.  I know that I will get it wrong, but I would rather say something than nothing.  I would rather share about things that matter to our family deeply than to ignore what is happening.  I realized that even though I feel a bit redundant, that is because of the social feeds that I have curated over the last seven years.  I can use my voice in my own circles.  

And lastly, to any brothers and sisters in Christ that may be reading this, please know that this issue needs more than prayer.  Racism is a sin/heart problem, yes, but the ways that it has spilled into our society require real cultural and policy change.  To simply say that you are praying it gets better is an incomplete response.

And because I am by NO MEANS an expert, I would love to point you to just a few books authored by Black people that are enlightening.  If you need more resources, just check the New York Times Bestseller list this week - most of them are centered on racial issues.

Under Our Skin by Benjamin Watson

Just Mercy by Bryan Stevenson

I'm Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness by Austin Channing

Be The Bridge by Latasha Morrison

Here are some of the Black people I follow on Instagram that I am continually learning from.

{ Latasha Morrison } { Austin Channing Brown } { Emmanuel Acho } { Osheta Moore }

{ Morgan Harper Nichols } { Danielle Coke } { Angela Tucker } { Jo Saxton }

QC: THIS IS 15

Today is our 15th wedding anniversary.  To be fair, we didn't have big plans that we had to cancel, but it is still safe to say this is not the way we thought we would be celebrating.  I've begun chalking the side of our house with murals, and I did a "love" one in honor of the day with chalk spray paint.

John came home from work early to get some time together this afternoon, which was a gift.  Also, a few weeks ago, we ordered the world's largest puzzle.  Because Amazon is prioritizing essentials right now, this wasn't supposed to come for another week.  But, lo and behold, it arrived early and was like an anniversary surprise for us all!

It's 40,320 pieces and 42 pounds of fun just waiting for us to put it all together.  We've got the time.

We decided to do pick-up from one of our favorite restaurants and do a picnic downtown.

This plan got hijacked by an accident in someone's pants, which felt super on-brand for life right now.  We regularly get high highs and low lows, and this day felt like a perfect cross section of both.  I cried while working on homeschooling and also reveled in the most gorgeous weather imaginable.  The hard and the beautiful hand in hand.

We came home and had a picnic in our front yard, which was lovely in its own right.  I only had to plunge the toilet once in the middle of this.

(pro tip: use duck tape as wine cup holders for your front yard picnic)

At the end of today and every day, I am SO glad to do life with John Spenst.  We NEVER would have imagined what our life would hold, and I am so thankful for what the Lord has put before us.  I've been angry several different times today (and parts of most days currently, TBH), about how difficult current circumstances are.  But, I do not lose sight of the gifts we have.  It's been a wild 15 years, and I couldn't picture it any other way or certainly with anyone else.

I posted lots of our wedding pictures here and several of our honeymoon pictures here, and here is a walk down anniversary lane!

{2011} {2012} {2013} {2014} {2015} {2016} {2017} {2018} {2019}

QC: STAY AT HOME EASTER

It's the weirdest Easter there has ever been, but I'm still so thankful to celebrate our risen Savior.



We started the morning with a brunch in pajamas right before watching our church's online Easter service.

Before the service started, there were video messages from families in our church wishing everyone a Happy Easter, and I kept tearing up, wishing we could see our church family on this special Sunday.  Honestly, this entire isolating experience has been really difficult for me, and I know that I am not alone this.  There were several moments today where I found tears welling up from all of the loss.  I find myself clinging to the hope in Jesus now more than ever, so that's not the worst way to spend Easter.  I'm so thankful that this world is not all we have.

I struggled to get "into the spirit," but we still made the most of our day.  We did an egg hunt at home, and then we drove around and did a community egg hunt that our church had set up with wooden eggs around town.  This had very high and low moments with everyone singing along to music OR certain children yelling mean things from the back seat.  Our family is very potent and used to the dilution of other people.  We need other people.  Some days right now it feels more poisonous than others to only have each other, and I'm hoping and praying that God continues to give us grace for each other every day.  And also that this doesn't last forever.

We miss our family and friends.  But, we are thankful we have each other and our health and so many other gifts.  Too many to name.  And ultimately, we have Christ.

And that wraps this holiday, quarantine edition.  I hope that you were able to celebrate in meaningful ways, and I know it will be memorable for us all!

QC: BELLA'S BAPTISM

Four years ago, Bella made the decision to follow Christ with her life.  A few months ago, she told us she was ready to be baptized, and we reached out to the church to start scheduling.  This was all back in February before we knew how the spring was going to unfold.  We had picked April 5th as her baptism date, and she had talked to our children's pastor about her faith and what made her ready to take this step.

Then the world began to change, and things kept being cancelled.  I told Bella that sadly, her baptism would probably be postponed until there were church services again.  But, the church reached out to us and asked if she would be interested in being baptized at the church, during the week, with it being live-streamed and also recorded to be shown during the Sunday church broadcast.  Bella jumped at the chance to be our church's first "quarantine baptism."  What a world.

There were two baptisms that day, two hours apart.  They set up separate baptistries for each one, and everyone was good to stay socially distanced from us.  Seeing Bella's testimony and decision to make her faith public was really special, and John baptized her, which was such a privilege for him.

Buried with Christ in death, raised to walk in newness of life.

Honestly, my emotions ran high the whole time.  All of our friends and family tuned in live, and every family from our D-group filmed themselves watching it and sent it to us so that Bella could see how supported she was.

Like so much of life right now, the really hard is mixed with the really good.  Seeing Bella make this decision with so much courage and grace touched me profoundly.  I so badly wanted it to be the big moment it was "supposed" to be, surrounded by friends and family.  However, God had other plans for this experience, and I was profoundly touched by the support and messages we received from so many.  The wild thing is, her baptism ended up being seen by so many more people, because it was during this time.  I hope and pray that God continues to use her life to be a blessing to others!

So, we are celebrating Bella's decision, and we are putting our hope in the Lord, because there is so much uncertainty right now.  This social distancing thing is SO hard, but it won't be forever.  Bella's baptism reminded me all over again of what really matters, and I'm so thankful for the good moments in the midst of all this.

If you want to watch - here's the video!

QUARANTINE CHRONICLES: GRIEF

(This photo is me working towards normal even during this chaos.  I've realized that sometimes, washing my hair and putting on makeup do a world of good for my inside as well as my outside.)

We're a full week.5 into parts of our new reality.  As the Covid-19 timeline goes for us, two and a half weeks ago, things were still pretty normal.  That next Monday, we started wondering if we would take our Spring Break trip.  Each day of that week brought news that changed the world dramatically.  By the end of that week, we were living in a different world entirely.

Last week brought us trying to settle into our new normals of homeschooling, mostly sheltering-in-place, social distancing and uncertainty of how long all of that will last.  We've closed down our mall restaurant, and we're running drive-thru only at our free-standing restaurant.  NONE of this was on our minds 3 weeks ago.  It's a lot to take in, and it all happened so suddenly.

I've tried to adjust to the new normal, but I've found my emotions about it to be all over the place.  Mostly, I've realized that I have a lot of grief about what has happened/is happening.  You're probably familiar with the Five Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.  As I look at it, I've spent most of the last week bobbing between Denial and Anger, and I've started cycling towards Bargaining and Depression as well.  Every morning I wake up and realize all over again that we are in the middle of an unprecedented worldwide pandemic that has shut down our country and many normal parts of our lives.  It feels like something has died.



As I've Marco-Poloed and talked with friends all week, I've heard so many people feeling the same things that I am.  It's confusing and overwhelming.  We want to make the best of things, but find ourselves feeling angry and discouraged.  We know that it could be a million times worse - we could be going to war.  But we have all lost our normals, and we need time to grieve that.  I've had to learn to pay attention to what is going on inside of me and honor the feelings that are there.  The stress and anxiety that these times hold are real, and though there will be gifts that come out of this season, I cannot move straight to those without acknowledging all of the very real losses.

I have a love/hate relationship with all of the social media response to this.  I have loved the constant supply of memes.  As we ALL go through this as a society, we have to laugh through it, and I have appreciated the steady supply of humor about Covid-19 to be found online.  I have hated all of the posts about how we are just being asked to sit on a couch.  To be honest, I've been mad that this whole thing happens at a time when I have four children that need a lot of oversight and attention at almost all times.  I would be sad, but mostly fine, if I could just do house projects and watch television and work out.  That is NOT my life.



It's also hard to reconcile the inequalities that are glaring during a time like this.  I am not worried about feeding our family, and it is both mind-blowing and also comforting that John's work is considered "essential."  We have an income that continues during this time, and I am so thankful.  I can stay home with our children and not miss work.  However, there are SO MANY people that are affected much more deeply.  It's hard to be sad about the way my own life looks right now and also recognize how much harder it is on people who had it harder to begin with.

I know I will move towards Acceptance as we walk this journey all together.  There are a lot of sweet moments, and I'm working to be present and appreciative of the special time we do have together.  But I'm also letting myself be sad when I need to be.  It will pass, but I know that I have to pay attention to those emotions.  They will find a way out one way or the other.  So - if you are in a similar place, this is just a reminder to give grace to yourself and others.  None of us has ever done this before, and we're all having to figure it out together, separately.