Friday, October 02, 2015



It's the second day of October, and numbly I'm trying to take it in.  October is historically one of my favorite months.  The weather is gorgeous.  Pumpkins are everywhere, and we are sliding into holiday fun.  But I've gotta tell you, because it is apparently what I do, that September felt like one gut punch after another.  If I were to detail all it contained, you may or may not choose to believe me.

When I texted my friends a couple of days ago, I felt the need to apologize for being a bucket of bad news.  September was wild, because I had some truly amazing experiences (hello Camp Create and SanFrantastic!), and I feel like God gave me those gifts so that I would have the capacity to deal with everything else that has come our way.  We've seen theft, dishonesty, betrayal, miscarriage, still birth and attempted suicide, just to name a few.  Most of these things did not happen directly to us, for which I am grateful.

But, that doesn't mean that we didn't feel them.  A lot.  Here's the thing - our lives are closely tied in with those around us.  We have dear friends and family and a wonderful church family, and we now have about 100 employees.  We consider these people family, and obviously, September was a hard month for many of the people that make up our family.

On Monday, I had to make one of the hardest phone calls of my life from Alcatraz.  I found out that our birth mom had miscarried, and I needed to deliver that news to my dear friend who was hoping to adopt the baby.  It is certainly not how we wanted this story to end, and we are all left wondering what exactly God has in store.  I know he is writing a bigger, better story than we can dream up.  But, that doesn't make it easy.  And we may never get the answers we want on this side of Heaven.  (read Christy's post about it here)

One of the growing realizations that we are having is the fact that this is exactly what God has called us to.  None of these people are in our life by chance, and we are cuddled up next to them here for a reason.  I've compared it to being in the Splash Zone at Sea World.  I feel like we are in the Splash Zone for a lot of people's lives, and when something bad happens, we get wet with them.

It's just a lot harder than I want it to be.  Selfishly, so selfishly, I want to be happy.  I don't want to have to feel the pain of other people.  I don't want to be wet.  I don't want it to become my pain.  The stress and responsibility that it entails feel overwhelming at times.  Lots of times.

At the end of the day, I'm left needing to cling to the Lord more each day.  Each moment.

Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer.
From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
Psalm 61:1-2 (NIV)

To be honest, I'm hoping for a little relief this month.  But - I know that even if it doesn't come, God is good.  He knows what is best for us, even when it hurts.