QC: BELLA'S BAPTISM

Four years ago, Bella made the decision to follow Christ with her life.  A few months ago, she told us she was ready to be baptized, and we reached out to the church to start scheduling.  This was all back in February before we knew how the spring was going to unfold.  We had picked April 5th as her baptism date, and she had talked to our children's pastor about her faith and what made her ready to take this step.

Then the world began to change, and things kept being cancelled.  I told Bella that sadly, her baptism would probably be postponed until there were church services again.  But, the church reached out to us and asked if she would be interested in being baptized at the church, during the week, with it being live-streamed and also recorded to be shown during the Sunday church broadcast.  Bella jumped at the chance to be our church's first "quarantine baptism."  What a world.

There were two baptisms that day, two hours apart.  They set up separate baptistries for each one, and everyone was good to stay socially distanced from us.  Seeing Bella's testimony and decision to make her faith public was really special, and John baptized her, which was such a privilege for him.

Buried with Christ in death, raised to walk in newness of life.

Honestly, my emotions ran high the whole time.  All of our friends and family tuned in live, and every family from our D-group filmed themselves watching it and sent it to us so that Bella could see how supported she was.

Like so much of life right now, the really hard is mixed with the really good.  Seeing Bella make this decision with so much courage and grace touched me profoundly.  I so badly wanted it to be the big moment it was "supposed" to be, surrounded by friends and family.  However, God had other plans for this experience, and I was profoundly touched by the support and messages we received from so many.  The wild thing is, her baptism ended up being seen by so many more people, because it was during this time.  I hope and pray that God continues to use her life to be a blessing to others!

So, we are celebrating Bella's decision, and we are putting our hope in the Lord, because there is so much uncertainty right now.  This social distancing thing is SO hard, but it won't be forever.  Bella's baptism reminded me all over again of what really matters, and I'm so thankful for the good moments in the midst of all this.

If you want to watch - here's the video!

ONE ON ONE TIME WITH KIDDOS

My 20 year high school reunion was a couple of weekends ago, which is a whole nother story.  But as it relates to this blog post, I happened to WIN outright for the alumni that had that most children.  At 4 kids.  This was sort of shocking to me, as most of my friends here also have 4 kids.  It made me wonder if we are weird or just used to living in Arkansas or, or, or...  Really, those are lots of questions for other days that we will probably never get to, because in reality we have four children and that does not leave a lot of time for extra questioning of things that are already done deals.

All of that to say, we have four children and sometimes that feels like a lot.  I know a lot of people who have more than that, but for us, four feels like a full and overflowing quiver.  Especially with some of the extra needs that are brought to the table through adoption.  Also, our kids are very close in age - 4 in 4 years.  This has a lot of pros, but I regularly tell people that I have PTSD from when they were all very little.  The level of exhaustion and intensity is unmatched in anything else we've ever done.

As they have gotten older, certain things have leveled out.  We are *slightly* less exhausted.  At least, the exhaustion has shifted.  The physical things are easier - they mostly sleep at night, they mostly dress themselves, etc.  The emotional things have gotten harder, because we are raising four people.  They all come to the table with a different set of giftings, preferences, temperaments and needs.  We are actively trying to balance their needs with our needs and with all that is always going on.  The mental gymnastics are often overwhelming.

One of the things that we've discovered is that our children thrive when they spend one on one time with us.  As an added bonus, we've realized that we often enjoy parenting more when its one on one, instead of us with the whole herd.  We saw this so clearly when we peeled Lily off for her 10th birthday trip, and it inspired us to make it more of a priority.

So, we try for John to be able to take each kid out on their own about once a month, which roughly works out to about one kid "date" a week for him.  We haven't quite managed to figure out the best way for me to get as much one on one time out of the house, but I am working to take those moments we get at home and use them more intentionally.  The honest truth is that especially during the summer, I am more likely to need time away from all kids, simply because we have had a LOT of togetherness, and I need to be able to think whole thoughts on my own.

This is a work in progress and changes with our schedule and the season.  Just the second we feel like something has legs and can walk around, everything seems to change.  But, we are working on it, and it does make a difference for us all.

Often this means that John will plan things that he knows each kid will love, and it has been fun to see them respond to this thoughtfulness.  He's run races with the big girls and has also hiked Pinnacle.  There are regular trips to Yogurt Mountain and Barnes and Noble.  We did realize that the kids were starting to equate "dates" to "getting a toy" or something else, and so we've cut back on buying stuff on the outings to make it more about the time spent together.

I'm hoping that building these relationships intentionally will increase the connection we have with each of our children and also build their confidence.  It allows us to speak truth into them and provide more context for big picture things in life, especially with the older girls.  Another thing that John did was had them take the Strengths Finder for Kids test, and it was amazing to see how well those strengths already define who they are.  We want them to know themselves, just as we are trying to know ourselves.  

I would love to hear other ideas about how people schedule intentional time with their kids - we still have a lot to learn.  It's tricky to figure out how to balance everyone's needs, and we get it wrong probably as often as we get it right.  But, we are trying and praying that God blesses and multiplies our efforts.

14 YEARS OF BLISS

It's our anniversary!  We've been married 14 years, which we were fortunate enough to celebrate with friends this past weekend.  Today, we squeezed in a lunch date where we dined on a patio in most gorgeous weather.  I even washed my hair for the occasion.



How do I describe being married 14 years?  Well, we have certainly had our ups and downs, as all couples do.  We are committed to us, and I'm eternally grateful for that fact.  He's my best friend, and at the end of the day, he's the one I want to talk with the most.  After 14 years, I'm thankful to be able to say that.

Does it take work?  Every day.  Every day, we have to make choices to prioritize one another in the hustle and bustle of our lives.  I have to look out for his interests and vice versa, and when we are dialed in to what the other needs, we often find that things tend to iron themselves out.  Trying to see life through his eyes pulls me out of my own perspective and broadens my horizons, and we both benefit enormously.  We've learned what makes us tick individually and together, and we are making healthier choices than ever before to help sustain us through the hard and sail us through the good.

One thing that continues to keep us connected is our weekly Sunday meetings where we ask each other the same four questions and get on the same page about the week ahead.  We've been doing it for years (8 of them!), so its become second nature and also necessary.  I've learned along the way that I buck against discipline, but putting mechanisms into place for good habits is critical to us creating the environment we need in our home.  Anytime we miss the meeting, we usually end up lamenting it the rest of the week.

This morning as we had a mini "State of the Spensts," we were pleased to find ourselves in a healthier place.  There is hard all around us, but the Lord is continuing to strengthen us and equip us for the roads we are walking.  And, we are finding ways to laugh at the days to come, as well as the ones that we are in.  That, in itself, feels like a miracle in life.

So thankful to be doing life with John and looking back in gratitude at all that we've been gifted with during our time together!  I posted lots of our wedding pictures here and several of our honeymoon pictures here, and here is a walk down anniversary lane!

{2011} {2012} {2013} {2014} {2015} {2016} {2017} {2018}

RESILIENCY

I've continued to grieve the loss of our dear friend this week, and it's caused me to do a ton of thinking, when I haven't found myself unexpectedly in tears over a stray thought of him.  Last spring, his father died, and that memorial service marked the beginning of a pretty dark season for me.  I haven't wanted to spiral in the same ways, and to that end, I've been trying to pay attention to my emotions and address them head-on.

My natural state is to think that everything is going to be okay and to paint life with a shiny glow.  When hard things happen, I often land in denial and then move on past, usually without realizing all that might be going on within me in spite of myself or going through the typical stages of grief.  As life wears on and the hard things pile up, I have had to grow the muscles needed to see the pain and engage with it.  This has taken a lot of intentionality, and I still struggle with it.

A couple of weeks ago, John and I watched The Dawn Wall documentary on Netflix, which I highly recommend.  (warning: does have some bad language)  I was struck by so many things while watching.  It's the story of a climber who maps out a unique path on the Dawn Wall in Yosemite against all odds.  His journey is unexpected in so many ways, and it makes for a compelling watch.

Tommy Caldwell (the featured climber) was developmentally delayed and struggled academically growing up, but his parents found things he was good at.  They pushed him and let him fail, which later allowed him to fly.  His story is remarkable on several levels, and I'm still thinking about it all these weeks later.  Obviously, his endurance and courage, and also his obsession, helped him achieve what most people believed to be impossible.  There are other stories woven throughout of friendship and loss and grief and ultimately, of bouncing back.

After watching, I realized that in the face of his early delays and struggles, his parents were still able to help equip him for success later on in life.  Now - please hear me say - I believe "success" comes in unique forms for people.  Everyone is gifted differently and comes from circumstances all over the board.  I also know that God is writing larger stories that may be honoring to his kingdom but may not make a ton of sense down here.  I am not at all saying that parents can script success into their kiddos' lives, as much as I wish that were the case.

However, it did make me think about ways to build resiliency into my children, which I do believe will help them as they encounter struggles along the journey.  For various reasons, I arrived into early adulthood honestly thinking that life would be pretty easy, and I wasn't prepared for many of the challenges that I would face.  My parents did equip me in a myriad of ways, but my natural bent was towards short cuts and wide paths.  For different reasons, John arrived into adulthood also lacking some of these resiliency skills.

We've ended up in a life that is beautifully rich, but layered in complexity and difficulty.  Oftentimes we've felt overwhelmed by all that is asked of us and the pressure that exists.  The last few years have held paring back and building in healthier habits, but that has been the product of intense effort and a lot of professional help.  We are learning resiliency as adults.  I recognize that as part of the human experience and part of growing up, but we have often wondered what we can do to give our children some of the skills we have wished for along the way.

So I started doing some research - this article is a great starting point!  It looks like in some ways we are on the right track, and this gives me some other ideas of things that could be helpful.  I would love to hear feedback from others on things that have helped you be resilient or ways that you a building this into your children.

As I walk another path of pain, I am doing the work to make healthy choices, and I am leaning into the strength the Lord provides.  I believe we absolutely need both to not only survive, but also to thrive in life, and I want to be able to lead by example for my kiddos.

REFRESHED AT CFA NEXT

Look, we've been in CFA basically for our entire working lives - we're ringing in 12 this year (actually 16 for me in Sept 😳).  And every year, we go to be with our CFA family for a few days in February.  This year, it was in Anaheim, CA.



They treat us so well and always plan a great time, but to be honest, I was not really looking forward to this round.  We've been stretched thin in the past year, and the idea of being pushed even further - even with good stuff - was sort of overwhelming.  HOWEVER, it turned out to be more refreshing than we ever could have imagined, and it couldn't have come at a better time.

Part of the refreshment came in the form of physical rest.  We got to our room Sunday afternoon and didn't leave again.  We got 11 hours of sleep, which definitely made things seem more right in the world.



The theme of this year's NEXT was "Win the Heart," and the whole first day was about winning our own hearts and taking care of ourselves.  The pressures that come with a growing business are real, and CFA is taking massive leaps and bounds as a company.  It's exciting to be a part of, but there are also pains that come and intensity.  When you couple that with a growing family in our case, we have felt a little rough around the edges.

It was great to be reminded that we are not alone in this - there are literally hundreds of other people that do this job and have very similar stresses.  And, it was wonderful to hear words from the stage straight from the Bible - "Guard Your Heart for it is the wellspring of life."  We KNOW that we should be putting on our own oxygen masks first, but sometimes, we seem to be unable to even find the mask in the first place.

Here are a few quick takeaways that I made note of:
     - Pressure + Purpose = Progress, and we want to make progress!
     - Some of the things we struggle with the most have antidotes that we can apply
          - Burnout -> Restoration
          - Perfectionism -> Humility
          - Isolation -> Connection
     - Trying harder is not the answer, because it only shows up in outward performance, instead we must TRAIN and focus on our internal development.

We've been laboring under A LOT of pressure in the last six months, and some days, burnout seems to loom on the horizon.  It has not been a sustainable pace.  But it was so encouraging to hear that there are antidotes.  Again, none of this is rocket science or brand new information.  We might have just been in a brand new place to hear it, and sometimes, that's the needed shift.  Some light bulbs came on for us about how we approach our life.

We've known for years that we need to get more "rest."  I put that in what feel like air quotes, because it has felt so elusive.  We've had some uphill battles on the rest front that include raising young children, some of whom require more engagement than average.  But even with that taken into account, we've acted as if we're not in control of things that we actually do control.  Like what time we go to bed.  When we slept for 11 uninterrupted hours on our first night, it was like we were brand new people, truly.  It was the wake-up call we needed to be hit over the head with the fact that we need regular sleep.  Like 8 hours every night kind of sleep.  It literally changes everything.

So, we're incorporating this new discipline into our lives.  It is NOT EASY and requires more structure than we typically use, but we cannot do the same things we've always done and expect anything to get better.  No one is going to get rest for us.  And everything seems a little less intense when you've slept well.

I'm not sure why it has taken us a full 37 years to learn this, and I'm sure we'll have to relearn it at some point, but for now, I am enjoying the fruits of not being physically exhausted.  There are plenty of things that we do not have control over, so it feels good to start to take back what we can.  We realize there are other valuable changes that we need to make, but we are trying to add in only one major thing at a time, so as not to overwhelm ourselves.

I'm so thankful to be part of a company that values us the way CFA does, and we truly came away refreshed and encouraged by this year's experience.

I do have to note that we had a super bizarre room that included a conference table set up at one end and a bed on the other end.  It also had this bathroom with one sink.  When your company is booking up an entire hotel, then some people end up with strange rooms, and this year, that was us! 😂

We spent time with friends - including this couple that just started with CFA this year.  John and I went to college with him, and it was great to catch up!  Plus, we spent time with old CFA friends which always makes my heart happy.  I did not get nearly enough pictures or time with people.

We could literally see Disneyland from the convention center, so you better believe we spent some time there as well - that will come in a separate post.  All in all, it was a true gift to spend time in Anaheim with our wonderful Chick-fil-A family.

Here are CFA Seminars of the past!
{2018} {2017}  {2016}  {2015} {2014}  {2013}  {2012}  {2011}

WHAT'S NOT WORKING

Our closet light quit working a couple of weeks ago.  It just went out.  I tried the breakers, and then John tried changing the bulbs.  He figured it was the ballast (whatever that is), and we eventually called a guy to come fix it.  That process all took about 1.5 weeks, and in the waiting, every time I went into the closet, I still tried the light switch.  I knew in my head that flicking it was futile, but 8 years of habit kept me doing the same thing I always did when I walked into the closet.

Also a few weeks back, John and I had a mini meeting of the minds at a Starbucks mid-morning. (I do love alliteration.)  We were close enough to our neighborhood and church that we kept running into people that we knew, many of whom made comments like, "Y'all are so cute doing a 'Day Date'!" or "Way to be building into your marriage."  This felt borderline hilarious since we were having a conversation all about the things that were not working in our life, and the list was long.  It still is.  We certainly didn't feel "cute."

The realities of the stress in our life are real, and our personalities are such that some of those stresses are exaggerated.  There have also been circumstances recently that have felt outside of our control, and we have been left reeling.  As we looked at the big picture of our current reality, we realized that we needed to make some changes, and we needed more help.

I've written several times about counseling that we're both continuing with, but this time I'm talking about more practical, hands-on help.  With all the kiddos now in regular school, there has been an uptick in what is required at home, especially between the hours of 3 and 8.  The twins have a little homework, and they need extra help and usually at the same time.  The girls generally do their homework with little prompting or help, but they still need occasional input or guidance.  There are practices and appointments and gymnastics that we are also packing into this time-frame, plus dinner, de-tox from the day and getting lunches packed and ready for the next school day.

The first few weeks of school left me frazzled and frustrated.  I had the day to recover, but the times when we were all together felt fraught and really intense.  It wasn't working, and I had the light-bulb moment that it didn't have to be that way.

So, I reached out for help.  I contacted one of our regular sitters who also used to be William and Violet's preschool teacher.  I started booking her for a couple of afternoons/evenings a week even when I would also be here.  She comes in and helps with the homework, and since she is a full-time special-ed teacher, she is VERY good at this.  So much better than I am.

(See?  She's actually smiling during homework.)

It was a little awkward at first, because I'm not used to having someone else here, and it does mean that she sees a lot more of our lives, which feels vulnerable.  But, it is a game changer.  When John comes home from what is often a stressful day at work, we are much calmer at home with another adult.  She usually stays through dinner and bed-time, and again, it is amazing what having another set of adult hands does.  She's was here 3 afternoons last week, and with how crazy last week was, it was a massive help.  As a bonus, all of my kids love her.

Does it feel weird to be a full-time stay-at-home mom who still needs more help with my kids?  Yes.

Is it still exactly the right thing for our family right now?  Yes.

When I look at all of our unique stresses and circumstances, I can conclude that this is what we need right now.  It helps take our family from merely surviving and moves us more towards thriving.

So - here's my encouragement to anyone reading this - What things in your life aren't working?  And what things could you do to make changes in those areas?  I've had to start thinking differently about our family life and address our particular situations instead of being stuck in what worked in my family growing up or what might work for my friends.  We all have such unique situations, resources, limitations and circumstances, and maybe you need to think outside of the box to make a change that is best for everyone.  Quit flicking the switch that no longer works and have someone come fix the whole light. (if that's what you need!)

ROAD TRIPPIN'

Road trips.

Upon first blush for me, those words conjure up some magical adventure traversing the country with delicious snacks and fun stops along the way where we all sing along to our favorite songs and have a grand old time.  I probably paint this picture because I am naturally an optimist with a hazy view of my own childhood and no thought to what it actually feels like as a parent.

Road trip reality for our family bears little resemblance to what is described above.  Truthfully, 3 out of 4 of our children are pretty good little travelers, but it only takes one to make the whole thing a lot more painful.  So, when John and I woke up on departure morning of our 14+ hour road trip both exhausted and John battling bronchitis, we realized we needed to change our plans to make this road trip work for our real life family.

We stretched out our journey both on the way there and on the way back and strategically didn't drive longer than 6 hours on any one day.  We also figured in extra stops and activities along the way to get us out of the car and remembering why we like each other.  North Carolina (where John's sister and the beach live) is FAR from AR.  It felt like a win at 5:45 a.m. when we were dragged from our Saturday morning slumber by an asthmatic child (that part didn't feel like winning, but it forced our hand) to totally re-make the travel.  We canceled some stuff.  We added more stops.  Overall, it felt like we finally figured out what we need to make something like this work for our family and be less pressure and less stress.

And, I can say that we returned home about as well rested as possible given what we did, and though re-entry is always hard (especially with school starting), it feels good to FINALLY be doing what we need to do for everyone's overall health.  Basically, our family's health requires more time, less stuff and more flexibility than I wish it did.  But, we are doing what we have to do, which looks different than other families but only has to work for us.

So - here's what the road trip portion of our trip looked like for there and back.  We stopped in Memphis to wander around the giant Bass Pro Shop.

Our first overnight stop took us to Nashville where we enjoyed a delicious dinner at Burger Up and a gorgeous walk around town.

We stopped in Chattanooga and hit up Lookout Mountain to walk around a bit.

We had actually planned on being in Atlanta on the first night and had more planned there, but instead, we only made it there in time to get to part of the Braves/Dodger's game we had tickets for.




Hotel breakfasts became a quick favorite of all the kids.



We stayed in Augusta, GA before heading on to the beach, and on the way home, we had initially planned on making it in two days, but again, we realized that wisdom was guiding us to make that longer, and so we stretched it again.  We spent one night in Asheville, where we enjoyed the stunning surroundings, a street festival, dinner at White Duck Taco and dessert at the French Broad Chocolate Lounge.

We were reminded why CFA really is the best quick service restaurant on our way to spend our last night in Jackson, TN, which is only 3 hours from home, but we could not drive 3 more hours that day.  So we enjoyed the hotel pool and Honey I Shrunk the Kids on TV.

Were there still hard moments?  SO many.  But, on the whole, we were pleasantly surprised at how well the travel went, all things considered.  It really was mostly good, most of the time, which is certainly not something that can be said for past road trips.  So, though it took us a lot longer than we wished, I am SO glad we course corrected and hopeful that we can keep on learning all the ways that we need to course correct to not be crazy people.  (And we loved the beach - more on that to come!)

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL

Today I'm blogging about something that I wish would be easy - staying healthy.

It's summer and swimsuit season, and last year, I had just finished Whole 30 feeling great.  This year, I just finished several short trips where I ate a lot and didn't love the number I saw on the scale when I got home.  It's weird that I can't eat anything and everything I want and stay the same weight. 🤦🏻‍♀️😱😑

However, I'm realizing that the real weird thing here is how long this is taking me to figure out and how I have to relearn it every year or so.  In looking into the Enneagram this year, I've learned a lot about the way I'm wired, and how gluttony is something I struggle with.  This is true in all areas of life - experiences, parties, shopping and EATING.  Limiting myself is not part of my natural make up in the ways that it is for some of the population.  I have to do a lot of hard work to make myself make good choices, and even then, my heart is rarely in it.

I know that sounds whiny and absurd, but it is how my brain works.  Figuring out how to work within this context means embracing that and recognizing that I will ALWAYS be fighting against gluttony in most areas of my life.  Of course I like feeling healthy - but I also really like eating chips and desserts.  And since balance is not my go-to, I usually fall off the chip and dessert cliff instead of eating a few here and there.

That said, I NEED THE BALANCE.  Truth be told, I am pretty good at exercising and do it at least 3 times a week - usually 4 or 5.  But, I have to always be watching my eating.  I'm not one of those people who can just not weigh themselves and hope for the best.  The best never happens for me.  I do not accidentally lose weight (unless there is extreme life trauma).  No, instead, I start feeling icky extra rolls on my stomach when I sit down.  That's where I gain the weight: there and my inner thighs.  Fun fact, I ruin more jeans by getting holes right at the top of the inner thighs, because my thighs just love each other.  I will never have a thigh gap, which I am fine with, but still, sometimes I wish mine were a little less fond of each other.

I'm writing to encourage myself and others to look for balance, even when its hard.  Being more disciplined is also a spiritual exercise, and I know that limiting myself is often what the Lord is asking from me.  That said, I also know that I do not need to kill myself in search of the "perfect" body or even "my perfect body."  Living in our society with all of the unnaturally thin images abounding can really be a mind trip.  Mostly, I am happy with my size and shape and thankful for all of the ways my body works well.  Even if I could stand to lose 5 pounds.

This is a snapshot of where I'm at right now.  I'm working to bring my eating back under control and stay mindful of moving and drinking water.  I really do feel immensely better when I do these things, and that is something to work towards.  But it is always going to be work for me, and there will be good days and bad days.  Just like there will be extra rolls on some days more than others.  It's just going to be part of my life, and I'm learning to embrace the journey and the work that it will always take.

DON'T STARE AT THE DITCH

There are a host of ways to land in a ditch.  As I lunched with a friend last week, she told me of when she learned to ride a bike on back country roads in a farming state.  If you aren't familiar with roads like these, please understand that there are giant ditches on either side - probably for drainage or some other useful purpose that I don't care enough to google.  Anyway, my friend was terrified of landing in the ditch on her bike.  So much so that she would watch the ditch and inevitably swerve her bike in that direction.  Her father kept repeating, "Don't stare at the ditch!  Look at the road - where you want to be!"

It's safe to say that I've spent more than my fair share of time staring at the ditch lately.  I've been consumed with fear for all the ways that life can and might go wrong.  I've been worried about the future of each of my children for different reasons, and I've been frustrated by the lack of control that I have over their ultimate destinies.  There are real concerns and questions, and instead of setting them up against a backdrop of hope and truth, I have spiraled into sadness and anger.

The last few months have just about done me in.  More like the last few years or 15 or so.  Not entirely sure where to put a beginning point to it all, but the cumulative effect of life can certainly be wearing.  A few weeks ago, all the waves seemed to break at once as I lost my footing in all of the feelings.  There was the usual gauntlet of spring emotions for me, and this year, I've been facing some added realities of our family life being more challenging than I hoped it would be at this point.

Several week ago, my counselor noted that I am likely dealing with some situational depression.  She cited my general lack of hope as I spoke of the future, as well as the anger that I described that is unusual for me.  Her words were both enlightening and discouraging.  In some ways, it gave me permission to feel even more deeply, which meant later that week, John and I found ourselves in a parking lot, outside of an event that we needed to attend, with me heaving sobs and trying not to hyperventilate.  I did rally enough to stare catatonically around and scrape through the evening, but it served as a bit of a wake up call for the way I am dealing (or not dealing) with life.

Since then, I've been more mindful of how I'm spending my time and energy and looking for ways to conserve both, as well as trying to engage in things that are life-giving.  I already work out regularly, but I've been bringing my eating back under control (a little) and trying to drink more water (my nemesis).  I've been spending time with friends and endeavoring to sleep the right amount and all the things that we all know will make us feel better in life when we actually do them.

I've also had to be honest with myself about where I'm at by paying attention to the depressive spells and recognizing when I need to adjust what is going on when possible.  As someone who usually embraces fun and runs from pain, this self-examination does not come naturally.  But it is important, because there are other ways to land in a ditch.

I spent my high school years in Kansas where I lived in a tiny town on the outskirts of Wichita.  There were dirt roads and fields everywhere.  One morning, I was running late to church (I was likely running late to church every time I went, but I was in a particular hurry this time), and I was driving fast on a dirt road - probably about 70 mph.  I was 16 and didn't have enough experience to realize how dumb this was.  I don't remember why, but I needed to brake suddenly.  My car spun out of control, and I landed in the ditch.  I was able to drive out of it, and I'm not sure I ever even "mentioned" it to my parents, since there was no damage to the car.

I feel like I am trying to walk the tightrope of not freaking out about all the bad things that could happen while also recognizing and preparing for some negative possibilities.  Ultimately, this means living surrendered to the Lord and knowing that he guides and directs our steps and cares for us every step of the way.  I have to learn how to drive and not gravitate towards the ditch or speed past it and end up there anyway.  So tricky - at least for me.

One moment at a time.  One day at a time.  I'm hoping to walk more by faith and trusting the heart of God who loves us all more than I can comprehend.  This life is littered with situations I cannot understand, but little by little, I must put my trust in the one who gives life and loves the most.  Even and especially when I feel sad, angry and upset.  God can handle all of those feelings and then some, and he offers an easy burden and a bright hope for tomorrow.  I'm infinitely better off when I am looking at those.



Also, I'm working to soak in the sweet moments, which we have been gifted in spades.  There is tons of hard, but also tons of good.  I'm so thankful.

ENNEAGRAM FUN

So, as we are getting the help, I am also diving deep into personality profiling.  I started some of this last fall, but with the new year, I'm all in.  Truthfully, I've done quite a bit of this in the past - especially in college.  My major was in Family and Human Services with a minor in psychology, so I took quite a few tests back then.  However, I seem to have lost touch with parts of myself in the last years, and also, I wanted to see how much I had changed since college.

It also seemed like a good idea to have a better idea of what I am working with as I seek help in addressing some of the issues in our lives.  Knowledge is power - am I right?!?  Turns out, self-knowledge really is helpful, though I'm not sure it makes me feel particularly powerful.  Instead, I have a better understanding of how and why I've landed in some of the messes because of the ways that I am wired.  But, I would rather know than have my head in the sand.  (most of the time)  And, I am reminded that ultimately, I can change certain habits and work on perceptions, but I am fairly hardwired to be me, and only by God's grace can I address any of the problems that creates.

Let me start by saying, I quite like me.  I always have.  I'm over-confident to a fault at times, which certainly does not mean that I don't battle insecurities, but I am less likely to be beset by them.  I don't mean to brag, but I am a good time. 😜 Making and finding fun are like breathing to me.  It has taken me a long time to realize that not everyone approaches life this way. 🤣

The personality profile that I have the longest history with is the Myers Briggs, because I took it starting in late high school, again in college and again in grad school.  I recently retook it and churned out the exact same four letters as always. * ENFP *  In a nut shell, this indicates that I am an extraverted, intuitive person who gathers information through my gut.  I lead with feeling slightly over thinking, and I am more spontaneous than planned.  I used to test out very extremely in all of these things, and as the years have gone on, I've come more to the middle on each spectrum.

In the last month, I have been spending a lot of time learning about the Enneagram typing system.  My Book Club read The Road Back to You, which I now understand to be an excellent primer to all that Enneagram is.  It is an ancient system that goes deeper than most personality profiling.  The Road Back to You does a fantastic job of tying in spiritual issues as well, making it far more personal than our run-of-the-mill Book Club usually goes.

As I read through it, I also subjected John to all of it and made sure that we could figure out what he is, and it has been enlightening to be able to read through each of our "types" and see the strengths and shadows that we bring to the table.  Both of us are strongly identifiable as our numbers - John is a 2, "the Helper", and I am a 7, "The Enthusiast."  Reading his chapter helped me better understand some of his underlying motivations that I had never considered, and I found the same to be true as I cringed through reading my own chapter.  It is no fun to realize challenging things about yourself that seem clear upon inspection.



Our Book Club discussion was engaged and interesting, and the next night, we dug into it all with our D-Group, because all of the D-Group ladies are also in the Book Club.  So, we were able to discuss each other as couples and understand more about each person that we regularly do life with - such a gift to get these insights!

(One of the Ones "Perfectionists" from our group brought this white board for us)

As an "Enthusiast," I have a need to avoid pain, which has shown up all of my life in various ways.  Though I never would have chosen some of the specific paths of pain that I have had to walk, I am so thankful that the Lord has worked those inside of me and continues to do so.  Even as we are walking through a painful time presently, I can sense myself wanting to distract and avoid it all.  However, that does not do any good for myself or those around me.  Understanding some of my own coping mechanisms and looking for healthier ways has been really helpful.

I am looking forward to continuing to learn more about the Enneagram (I just downloaded The Sacred Enneagram), and once you get in there are all kinds of words and things that take a minute to understand - like wings, stress and security arrows and so on.  But it's so good!  I highly recommend taking the time to learn and also dragging all of the people that you surround yourself with through it with you.  Being able to talk through it all with dear friends who are also learning has been super helpful and fun as well.  (There I go again with the fun 🤣)

If this is all peaking your interest - I'd recommend the book we read as well as taking an online test to determine your type.  There are a LOT of tests online - I did this paid one and actually tied between two types, however, as I read through each one, it became clear to me pretty quickly which one I am. There are LOTS of websites and podcasts about the Enneagram, and it's a rabbit hole you can chase forever or just get what you need and take that with you.

Happy learning!