Wednesday, December 12, 2012

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

I have been driving through Tulsa, OK since I was in college - it has been the gateway from wherever I live to where my mom lives for the past 13 years or so.  When I was in college, it was forever frustrating, because there were always crazy detours due to construction.  All these years later, the same facts remain.  Tulsa is difficult to drive through, because it is perpetually under construction.

I recently spoke with someone who lives there and asked her about it.  She grew up in Tulsa and told me that some TV news stations even have "Orange Barrel Updates" daily about where the roads are being worked on.  I explained that this was not the norm in all places, and that it seems particularly extreme there.

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But, it did get me thinking.  I used to think that there would come a time when I would "arrive" in my life.  I dreamt of the day when all the tasks would be done and life would be good, and I would get to do whatever I want.  This moment has never actually happened to me, and now that I have children, the idea is forever doomed.

It was really doomed from the get go.

As soon as I learn something or grow in some area, another pot hole in my heart and life are uncovered.  It is never ending.  I will never arrive.  This is both daunting and reassuring.  It's daunting to think that I will never be that perfect person in my head that I think I should be.  But the reassuring reality is that God saves me and loves me just as I am each day, and when I can be gut level honest about how much I routinely need saving in my sin and desperation, it is comforting to know that God's working in me and through me and on my behalf.

Because he loves me and wants me to grow to reflect more of him.  For my good and his glory.  He doesn't leave me like I am - whitewashed and thinking I could attain anything on my own.  He scoops me up and evens out the rough patches with his grace.  With his mercy.  With his discipline.

Today I feel those rough patches sharply.  The twinges of annoyance with people that have more to do with my issues than with theirs are striking and strong.  The moments where I have wanted to shake my children have been many, and I haven't even had them much today.  The way I allow grace for my own failings and hold others up to an impossible standard is depressing.

I'm so glad God is so good and doesn't ever leave me alone.  Being under construction is better - although no necessarily convenient.  Check back for more Orange Barrel Updates here.

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